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Editor's note: I hate Valentine's Day. I hate the phony sentiment, the in-your-face marketing, and all of that bad, mass-produced chocolate (you can make your own chocolate truffles at home). I also detest the way the holiday can make those without significant others feel lousy and inadequate. Turns out that plenty of game characters have trouble finding love as well. -Jason
Are you one of millions of lonely singles spending Valentine's Day alone?
Aside from crying, you might want to spend February 14 actively avoiding the sordid tales that make up the most frustrating romances in video games.
Your pathetic attempts to pursue love and the striking realization that you are, in fact, unlovable will only be compounded by the notion that characters in video games can do anything -- and these guys still can't hook up properly!
Mario and Princess Peach
OK, Nintendo, what's the deal? Mario has experienced countless adventures trying to save Princess Peach, and let's be honest: He's not doing it because he's a good guy. No one has that type of moral fortitude. We all know what Mario is after, but the question is: Is he getting it? The issue is with Princess Peach. Is she a prude, or does she actually believe that kisses on the nose and baking cakes are expressions worthy of gaming's ultimate love story? While Nintendo may be unwilling to give hope to ugly, short, fat nerds (or plumbers) that they could score with someone totally out of their league, you need not worry -- guys like Jordan Bratman got this covered (he's Mr. Christina Aguilera).
Mario and That Other One
Given the above, you'd think Mario would just settle. Princess Peach and the other one are both toadstools, so what's the problem? Sure, she's a little chubbier, homelier, and has a big, fat head, but she has a great personality. Look how understanding she is when you go around killing dinosaur-turtle things in search for who you only think you love. Listen, Mario, Peach doesn't put out. Heading to the next castle isn't going to get you anywhere.
Cloud Strife and Everyone
Cloud really needs to get over himself. He has three willing-and-ready vixens (that is until Aerith dies), and all he does is mope around. He really needs to clue in. And with that haircut, you know he's interested in the men as well -- and why wouldn't he be? Cid is ruggedly handsome, Vincent is dark and deep. Barrett has a very large gun (on his hand). Things might get a little freaky with Red XIII and Cait Sith, but what happens on the road stays on the road. His little entourage is even called a "party," for god's sake. But, nope, he's intent on struggling with identity issues and the meaning of a falsified life. Boring.
Gordon Freeman and Alyx Vance
The key to a healthy relationship is communication, not gravity guns. For the love of god, Gordon, at least introduce yourself to the poor girl. Women love the strong, silent type, but this is really taking it too far. Alyx is doing all the work here, man! How are you supposed to repopulate the Earth if you can't even talk dirty to her? International Warcraft Love
You're 16, and you've
convinced a MILF (well, actually the F is debatable, but for the sake
of argument, let's continue) you met in World of Warcraft
to fly to Toronto from Texas, meet up in a hotel, and knock boots.
Great plan, but Mom and Dad had to go ruin it, putting out a missing
person report and all. Lame. But my questions are thus: Are you cool
because you scored with a much older woman? Is it less cool that she
plays World of Warcraft? But is it cooler if you made international
headlines because you had sex? High school can be so confusing.
Link and Zelda
You guys know that this is just not going to work out if you keep time traveling and jumping through dimensions, right? Long-distance relationships just aren't meant to be.
Me and my Mii
Oh, my Mii, when I created you, I only wanted to create a reasonable approximation of myself using Nintendo's arbitrarily restrictive creation tools. But I never knew that you would be so beautiful. We're separated by the window of my television screen, which could be a million miles and a million lifetimes. The closest I can get is importing your data into my Wii Remote, so I can carry you around everywhere.... Someday, Mii based on me...someday, our love will be fulfilled. Until then, I'll content myself with shaking you vigorously during minigames.
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