Editor's note: I've always been a fan of interactive fiction. Pete offers us his creative take on Bayonetta, re-imagined as a text-based adventure. I'm looking forward to reading more of these, and Pete has already given us a sequel. -Jay

What if we never developed graphics? Text-based games used to be all the rage in the early days of computer games, with developers like Infocom and Level 9 leading the way in entertaining prose coupled with mind-bending puzzles. So what would happen if, say, we took a modern game and put it through the ASCII wringer?

Here's the first in a (possible) series of popular games re-imagined as interactive fiction. I present to you SEGA's Bayonetta.

Welcome to Bayonetta! An interactive adventure by SEGA.

Copyright (c) 2010, SEGA.
Bayonetta is a registered trademark of SEGA.
Version 48 / Serial number 840904

Type HELP for help.

The Vestibule

You’re standing in a small graveyard. Tombstones litter the ground, some old and crumbling, others newer with clear inscriptions. The cool rain patters down in the night air, droplets slowly caressing the side of your face as they roll down your cheek.

Enzo is here.

?>LOOK AT ENZO

An aging, portly, slightly sweaty Italian-American.

?>TALK TO ENZO

Enzo babbles something about Eggman, but you’re not really sure what the hell he’s talking about.

A brilliant light comes down from the sky.

“They’re here? For this douchebag?” he says.

?>LOOK AT LIGHT

It’s bright.

?>TAKE LIGHT

You can’t take the light.

?>WALK TO LIGHT

I don’t understand “WALK”.

?>INV

You are carrying:
nun costume (worn)
book of spells

?>READ SPELLBOOK

What’s a “SPELLBOOK”?

?>PISS OFF

You’re not wearing the “PISS”.

?>READ BOOK

Which book?

?>THE SPELL BOOK

There was no verb in that sentence.

?>READ THE SPELL BOOK

You read the spell book. Conveniently on the first page, there is the incantation for a spell to transfer yourself between the Trinity of Realities. It says “Vas Ort Ylem”.

?>SAY VAS ORT YLEM

OK, VAS ORT YLEM.

?>LOOK

The Vestibule

You’re standing in a small graveyard. Tombstones litter the ground, some old and crumbling, others newer with clear inscriptions. The cool rain patters down in the night air, droplets slowly caressing the side of your face as they roll down your cheek.

?>SAY VAS ORT YLEM

OK, VAS ORT YLEM.

?>LOOK

The Vestibule

You’re standing in a small graveyard. Tombstones litter the ground, some old and crumbling, others newer with clear inscriptions. The cool rain patters down in the night air, droplets slowly caressing the side of your face as they roll down your cheek.

?>CAST SPELL

Which spell?

?>VAS ORT YLEM

You mutter the incantation and draw a circle in the air above your head. A purple glyph appears, and you feel yourself being drawn upwards. As your head passes through the glyph, suddenly everything seems to come into focus.

Purgatorio

You’re floating above the graveyard. There is bright light all around you.

You see some winged creatures here. They’re advancing on you.

?>LOOK AT WINGED CREATURES

They look like angels.

?>TALK TO ANGEL

It doesn’t respond.

?>WORSHIP ANGEL

I don’t understand “WORSHIP”.

?>SAVE

Game saved.

?>KILL ANGEL

You throw a punch at the nearest angel. It collapses to the floor, and you follow it down, beating it senseless until it explodes in a flash of light.

As you fall, an angel’s claws rip your clothes over your butt and boobs. Your nun’s costume falls off, but is quickly replaced by a leather catsuit. Now that’s magic.

Behind you, the lid bursts off a tomb and an angry-looking bald man leaps out and glowers at you.

The Vestibule (Purgatorio)

You’re on the ground in the graveyard. The mysterious light shines down above you.

There’s an angel here. It looks annoyed.

There’s an angel here. It looks annoyed.

There’s an angel here. It doesn’t seem to have noticed you.

An angry-looking bald man glowers at you.

?>SAVE

Game saved.

?>KILL ANGEL

You lunge at the nearest angel, but it deftly sidesteps you then smashes you over the head with a staff.

You have died. Would you like to (R)estart, (L)oad or (Q)uit?

?>L

The Vestibule (Purgatorio)

You’re on the ground in the graveyard. The mysterious light shines down above you.

There’s an angel here. It looks annoyed.

There’s an angel here. It looks annoyed.

There’s an angel here. It doesn’t seem to have noticed you.

?>PUNCH ANGEL

You take a swing at the nearest angel. Your blow connects, and blood and feathers splatter.

An angel starts to draw its staff back.

?>DODGE

You deftly roll out of the way, and time seems to slow down. Everything goes purple and fuzzy. You think you could use this to your advantage.

?>PUNCH ANGEL

You take a swing at the nearest angel. Your blow connects, and blood and feathers splatter.

?>PUNCH ANGEL THEN KICK ANGEL THEN PUNCH ANGEL

You smack the nearest angel in the face, then kick it in the crotch before taking another swing. As you take your final swing, your hair inexplicably forms into a huge fist and smashes the angel into next week.

(Your score has gone up by 5 points.)

The angry-looking bald man tosses you a pair of pistols.

“Don’t worry about quality,” he says. “I got quantity."

?>SHOOT ANGEL

You shoot an angel in the head repeatedly. It falls over with a screech, blood and feathers everywhere.

?>SHOOT ANGEL

The guns are spent.

?>DROP GUNS

Dropped.

?>GUNS

I don’t understand.

?>SAY GUNS

OK, GUNS.

The angry-looking bald man tosses you a pair of pistols.

?>SHOOT ANGEL

You cross your arms and cockily shoot a pair of angels in the face. They collapse to the ground and explode in a flash of light, blood and feathers.

?>SHOOT ANGEL

The guns are spent.

?>DROP GUNS

Dropped.

?>SAY GUNS

OK, GUNS.

The angry-looking bald man tosses you a lollipop.

?>SUCK LOLLIPOP

You take the lollipop in your mouth in a distinctly suggestive manner and continue to kick all manner of angel ass.

You feel a sudden urge to torture an angel.

?>TORTURE ANGEL

You blow the angel a kiss, then do something so utterly hilarious and disgusting to it that it defies all attempts to describe it.

(Your score has gone up by 10 points.)

?>SAVE

Game saved.

?>QUIT

Thank you for playing Bayonetta. We hope to see you again soon!

C:/BAYONETA/>_