Today I’m starting a new column. Knowing my lack of focus it will be the first and last installment, but the premise is simple and easy. Once every four years I’ll pick a topic and then offer 8 bits of commentary or snark about said subject. Once in a while, if the topic is big enough, I might even go next-gen and offer 16 bits. I don’t offer this pre-announcement statement as a promise of future editions—not really. Instead this is an explanation of the format and the function.

Is the 8-Bit thing an easy pun? Yep. Is it a cop-out to go with 8-bits simply to avoid having to come up with a traditional top-ten list? Oh, for sure. But this thing could end up watered down with only eight ideas—why would I cripple it with ten?

If I do this often, you can probably expect a type of rapid-reaction micro-review in the form of bullet points. I’m certain that, on occasion, I’ll be moved by a more scholarly or thoughtful subject. But, usually I won’t be. Case in point? Today’s 8-Bits come from the venerable Duke Nukem: Forever.

Yes, I have a joke about the “forever” part and no I will not apologize for it. I will apologize for the occasional spoiler. They might be there depending on what level of spoiler you can tolerate. They’re all mild at best, but if you don’t want to know that you can pick up a turd and throw it, you shouldn’t have read this sentence. Now then, I'm just here to type up bullet point ideas and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of bubble gum.

Bit 1:    

Duke Nukem: Forever isn’t really a sexist or crude game. It wants to be, but then apologizes for it. One loading screen tells us sheepishly, and I paraphrase, “Picking up a turd doesn’t reduce your ego, but we wanted it to.” So sure, you can dig feces out of a toilet and toss it at a wall, but the gamers are embarrassed for you. Begs the question, “How many other awful things would the developer like to punish you for doing, and how many things are they encouraging you to do?” Without that answer it’s tough to decide when the game is using satire and when it’s simply throwing its hands up in the air and saying, “do what you want with me, I’ve got no pride left.”

Bit 2:

This makes Duke the game equivalent of your hipster friends who never meant to become hipsters. You know who I’m talking about. Your buddy gets dressed up for a party one night and wears a tie with a t-shirt to be “ironic” and before you know it he owns 100 ties and 100 t-shirts that all go together. Well, Duke is that kind of 24-7 ironic. Another loading screen tells you that if you misstep then a boss will bitchslap you. The “get it, get it, GET IT?!” sense of humor is already doing that. Thanks though.

Bit 3:    

What’s that? I keep mentioning loading screens? Yeah, it’s because you spend a lot of time looking at them. I decided to play Duke on “Hard” difficulty. Even if the controls were tight I’m sure I’d be getting schooled once in a while. They aren’t tight, so life is tough for the console FPS challenged like me. Lots of deaths in close quarters is expected, but most games get you back into the action these days in very short order. Hell, some games take the blink of a respawn to get you back at it. Not Duke Nukem. They needed me to make this joke, they wanted me to make this joke: The only thing that takes forever is the loading screens after every death. Yeah, I said it. I had time to type all of this after getting uppercut by a charging pig. I earned that awful joke. Joking aside, it’s really bad form to force people to wait a minute or so after a death to get back into action—especially if death can come from simple things like falling into a pit during a poor section of platforming. It’s been the biggest drain when playing the game so far. I know they can shorted the loading times. I fell off an edge while racing a little go cart and the respawn happened in about 2 seconds. I fell off the same edge as Duke and sat for 90 seconds reading a loading screen that says, “If you died by falling off a ledge it’s probably your fault.” Don’t taunt me right now Gearbox, I will snap.

Bit 4:    

“Take less damage to avoid death.” “When being shot at, try to avoid bullets.” This type of advice peppers the loading screens as well (along with the reminder that you can always look up an FAQ if you get stuck). I snorted at the first one. I slow clapped a little for the second one. By the time the same joke gets recycled a few times it gets tired. Maybe it would have been funnier if I hadn’t had to read them so often as I waited to return to action. Yes, I’m aware that a lot of my animosity comes from being dead and idle in Duke. Is this because I suck? Possibly. But death is easier to take when you don’t have to think about it.

Bit 5:    

I don’t know if this is a pro or a con, but in the opening level I spent more time playing pinball and trying to beat my personal high score than I did playing through the level itself. It wasn’t even a great pinball design, but I’m a sucker for pinball and I got tired of Duke saying that I had fail balls.

Bit 6:   

It’s sometimes tough to figure out where enemies are coming from at any given time. Especially when they start teleporting around. This makes close quarters shootouts especially frenetic—but rarely visceral. I spent a lot of time just running around hoping that my ego would regenerate before something popped out of nowhere to one shot me. Let’s put it this way, the combat in Duke Nukem makes Mass Effect 2 look like the preeminent shooter of our generation. Duke is definitely a dated product despite moments of fun. The dated feel starts at the visuals and is punctuated by antiquated controls.

Bit 7:    

One thing I am enjoying about the game is the ego system. Pump some heavy weight: Ego boost. Do some 100lb curls: Ego Boost. Admire yourself in the mirror: Ego boost. The ego functions as sort of a health/shield reading. The more narcissistic you are the longer you survive. Please, oh please, mod community, give me LeBron Nukem Forever. The bigger the ego the less likely he is to shoot. Ok, that was uncalled for.

Bit 8:    

In an early meta-section of the game Duke is seen playing a video game. He uses an Xbox 360 controller. I was playing the game on a PS3. For what it’s worth, it seems like they could have catered that part to each group. Like many of you, I own both systems, but it just seems like a small nod of respect (not that Duke Nukem is a game dishing out respectful gestures). Personally I think they sould have left it retro. Undoubtedly during the first build of Duke Nukem: Forever they used a Commodore 64 controller.

I’ll say this about Duke: I’ve played far worse games this generation. The miserable (yet comparable) Matt Hazard game comes to mind. This game is trying, as Hazard did, to chum the waters with the same chopped up mess of irony. I’m not sure which game does it better, but Duke, for the most part, certainly plays better. Plus, it helps that Duke actually has a history to draw on when it attempts to make fun of it—Matt Hazard was just a pretender skimming off of Duke's background.

If you play this game as if it's a long lost museum piece (as I am) then it's easy to find some charm in it--though that charm wears off really fast. Whatever you do don't play this game right after playing a modern shooter or listening to good comedy. It'll make you say to yourself, "You know, I'd rather just buy more bubble gum."

Timely Edit?

There's been a lot of news about PR blacklisting for people who review this game negatively. I hear it's doing very poorly. After playing MORE than my share of this game, I'm gonna say that negativity is warranted. The jokes started juvanile and wind up reaching sort of useless and disgusting levels. I mostly rolled my eyes at even the worst of it, I'm pretty thick skinned. What I can't shrug off is the classless gesture by the PR firm. When you make a bad game you have to take the bruises that come with it.