As the Citizen Kane of gaming, we've all played the Metroid Prime Trilogy. All of us. I neither know nor care of any exceptions to this. It's one of the few things that binds us together as a species and keeps us from going completely beastial and killing each other. It's a shared experience that leads to fellowship. If a baby cries during a movie or generally just throws up all over the place (which I actually saw happen once!), I forgive them because I know that they will one day play the Metroid Prime Trilogy.
But that being said, whatever any of it meant, I do have a few problems with what is otherwise a deep and involving plot. Let me show you them:
Look, I know Phazon is pretty poorly defined to begin with and just an excuse to fight a lot of weird mutations in lieu of space pirates, but come on. I can only overlook so much, and the one that pushed me over the edge is this:
Dark Samus/Metroid Prime. It was born from phazon, it hunts phazon, it can power itself through absorbing phazon. Now then, what is its one weakness, the only thing that can truly harm it? Phazon.
How does that even make any kind of sense!?
I mean, it doesn't. It doesn't make any sense. Does Samus just overload the thing with phazon? How so? It's not like Prime isn't gobbling the stuff up at every possible opportunity. Thing is coocoo for phazon. It is, at all times and under all circumstances, jonesing for the stuff. So I don't think the fact that it's being shot through an arm cannon should really make a bit of difference, guys. Being shot with phazon, to Prime, should be like having a pizza delivered for the rest of us. She should be tipping Samus less than she deserves and being unable to meet her gaze, not dying.
I asked a friend about it, and he offered this: "Would you like it if someone shot blood at you?"
Well, ok. I thought, sure, I wouldn't like it, but it wouldn't kill me. Unless...
And it is at this point that you're likely coming to the same conclusion I did, and in the framework of the story, there really is no other solution.
Samus has Space AIDS (SAIDS, for short, but should under no circumstances be confused with Space Aid, which is an intergalactic concert involving Space Bono). It fits. Or it almost fits. Samus doesn't seem particularly sick or weak, so maybe she's just a carrier who suffers no ill effects, like a Space.... Typhod, uh, AIDS.... Mary type of deal.
I don't know. But whatever. Whatever.
It's not like this is the first time the series has had questionable writing. Just look at the manga that serves as a backstory for the first game and Samus' childhood (which you can read here, care of Mechadrake Aseemblies). In that case, it's not so much confusing as it is awesome.
Look at all dat juice!
The story involves Zebes during its habitation by the Chozo and it's ultimate fall at the hands of the space pirates. That's fine, you'd expect that. But it's the way in which it happens that is so wonderful and which catapults the character of Ridley into godhood.
So put yourself in this position: you need to conquer a world full of super advanced birds who create power suits and scatter missile upgrades for it on every conceivable planet just for the hell of it. You don't mess with these guys. What do you do?
Well, if you're Ridley, you give tiny guns to the planet's indigenous butterfly creatures. I'm not even kidding. That was his plan. Ridley designed and built thousands of tiny butterfly sized guns, handed them out, and hoped for the best.
So you can kind of see why the space pirates keep rebuilding the guy; he's funny as hell to have around.
I like to picture him behind the scenes in each Prime game, just pitching ideas to Space Pirate Command. "Haha, that's great, Ridley. That's wonderful. But no, we kind of need to win this one, so why don't you just go ahead and stick with shooting fireballs and sweeping your tail around, ok champ? Go get her, you crazy SOB. ...God, I love that guy."
And you know what the real tragedy is? I hear more people talk about how much they like Crocomire than I do about Ridley. All Crocomire did was get melted by lava. Like that's even hard.
I guess this last thing isn't really Metroid's fault, and it certainly doesn't have anything to do with the game's writing. But hey, I'm venting and it feels good, so I'm just going with it.
Thing is, Metroid was responsible for one of the most blatantly situational comedic moments of my life. It was around Christmas time and I was browsing through the mall with my parents, aunt and her son.
We had just visitted a man who I had thought at the time was Santa Claus who gave my cousin and I little cups with his face on it (which struck me as a bit egotistical at the time, but since I now know he wasn't actually Santa, it's just one more charming indicator of his mental illness).
While waiting in what I think was a Dillards -- smells like one in my memory -- we got bored and, putting our respective cups over our respective right hands, we pretend were were the main characters from the games we had each hoped to recieve on Christmas.
I had Metroid in mind, and I assumed my cousin did as well, so it was a shock to find on the morning that he had been given Mega Man 2. We were from different worlds, but standing outside of that department store fitting room with plastic cups on our fists, we had acted as kindred spirits.
It was a lot like Romeo and Juliet, only with two dudes who were related and there wasn't any romance involved, which means that's not a weird comparison to make at all.
I'm just saying it was a weird and vaguely humorous situation that other people are never amused by when I retell it.
Other than that, though, I think the Metroid series and the Prime Trilogy in particular are just aces.
