Last week, I gave my initial impressions of Fat Princess. I wasn't too enthusiastic about it. I thought that the game tried to accomplish too much without doing any of it well. That is, except for the game's obvious draw: "Rescue the Princess" mode. Not wanting to abandon the game entirely (I had already spent the $15, after all), I decided to give the game a fairer shake. How did I accomplish this? Why, by pleading with Bitmob community members to play a few games with me, of course.

A few hours ago, with help from the community, I eventually managed to set up what I imagined would resemble the ultimate Fat Princess scenario: full 32-player games of Rescue the Princess. While the majority of those 32 were wandering stragglers looking for a quick match, a good 10 to 15 players were from either the Bitmob or Geekbox communities.

Right off the top, playing the game's introductory Black Forest map, I found myself having a much better time with the game than I'd had previously. However, the fun did peter out as the games went on. But I think now I've got a handle on how Fat Princess should and shouldn't be played.

Oh hey, look. A numbered list.

1. Voice chat. Seriously. I got over my lack-of-headset blues by configuring my Rock Band USB mic for voice chat. While it's not the greatest solution (picking up the mic means dropping the controller, which is a little awkward to get the hang of) you can't underestimate the value of easily issuing simple, specific notices like "we need to take the bottom center of the map" or "we need more wood". Besides, if you're lucky, the issued specifics can be quite amusing.

During one game that began particularly slowly, a few people commented on how obscenely obese the titular princesses were getting. Then suddenly, in the middle of the match, I hear "SHE'S SKINNY SHE'S SKINNY SHE'S SKINNY" and everyone rushes to the enemy's castle. Precious moments.

2. Likeminded gamers > random, unfamiliar players > bots. In that order. If you're playing with people who will at least attempt to cooperate with your voice-issued schemes, you'll enjoy yourself. Even if you aren't playing with friends, most drop-in players will at least pull a monkey-see monkey-do whenever a particular tactic seems to be successful.

Bots, however, are completely inept. They'll chase after people they shouldn't be chasing after, they'll collect resources you have more than enough of, they'll walk right by outposts that are crucial to gaining the upper hand -- just take my word for it. They're no fun.

3. A house divided against itself unevenly is a boring and broken building that needs to be demolished. Or, "don't everybody rush to be on the winning team." This is probably what killed our session after three or four good matches. I was on the blue team for most of the games. After we had won the first three matches in a row, people started bailing on the reds to join blue, creating a terribly uneven matchup of 16 human players against 6 guys and 10 bumbling bots.

Needless to say, the blue team won this game pretty effortlessly while what was left of the red team was surely frustrated and annoyed. After the match, I tried convincing people to switch with me over to red to even out the balance again, only to end up being one of the 6 guys trying to deal with the bumbling bots. It was during this game that people started dropping out like flies, apparent by the quick succession of qutting hosts and connection drops.

4. Know your class. Everyone was pretty good about this one. There was never a lack of much-needed priests, the opposing team made great use of ice mages when defending their princess. I still spend most of my time as the worker. Gathering resources for class upgrades, building spring platforms and ladders to aid siege on the enemy fortress, repairing defenses, holding your own in battle with the use of bombs... there's always something to do.

While I did occasionally get stuck with the less glamorous job of repairing the castle gate, which was constantly under attack, the speed of the workers relative to other classes also makes them ideal princess rescuers; a role I happily fulfilled during one game.

5. And finally, the most important gaming, nay, life guideline of all:

Luckily, this one wasn't violated. "Nice job" and "good game" were aplenty after every match, things that were not nice to say were not said. The famed Your Mother was never even mentioned. It was quite a pleasant evening, all things considered.

And there you have it. Under what are the closest I could get to "prime conditions", Fat Princess is a wholly enjoyable experience. The long, stalemate games can be tiring, but not without their moments of excitement. The symmetrical maps each call for a unique offensive strategy. And if you press the down button on the D-pad, he says "go forth" in a funny chipmunk voice.

I should really get some sleep.

Thanks for the games, everyone!