Earlier this week, Bitmob community writer Mark Purcell offered up three books that he believes would make great video games. His list is excellent, and it gave me a lot to think about. Not just about other works of literature that would benefit from this kind of adaptation, mind you. I immediately thought of a couple dozen books that would make terrible video games. But then I thought of some awful page-to-screen adaptations that I don't think I'd be able to resist, and after all of that thinking, I had to go lie down for a little while.

I had very strange dreams. When I woke up, however, these projects were still with me, and they were glorious. I'd definitely try them. Maybe.

Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

The book:

An "erotic" novel that started its wretched life as Twilight fan-fiction, E. L. James' story is 500 pages of bondage, passion, and increasingly awkward metaphors. Plus, butt sex.

The game:

I imagine Fifty Shades of Grey: The Game playing a lot like developer Quantic Dreams' quick-time-event-laden Heavy Rain, except with nothing interesting happening, ever. Taking the role of Fifty Shades heroine Anastasia Steele, players would use timed button presses to pout, fill out non-disclosure agreements for their sub-dom relationship with the mysterious Christian Grey, and generally be completely amazing in every way.

I can't wait for...

...the scenes in which I have to carefully manipulate analog sticks and shoulder buttons to simulate awkward deeds that repressed, sexually clueless people think are totally hot.

Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton

The book:

Published in 1911, Ethan Frome is a story of forbidden love, guilt, and bad shit happening almost constantly. It's about a man who falls in love with his mean wife's cousin, and then the two of them completely ruin their lives with a failed suicide pact. This book is so depressing that when my high-school English class finished it, we demanded that our teacher explain to us why we'd had to read it. If I remember correctly, his answer was, "Because I had to, damn it."

The game:

How about a platformer? Players could guide Ethan Frome through a series of tricky jumps and hazards, all the while battling fierce enemies, such as Guilt and Marital Responsibility.

I can't wait for...

...the final level: A Battletoads-esque sled ride down a very steep hill, at the end of which you crash into a tree and spend the rest of your life entirely dependent upon the very woman you tried to scorn.

Die Traumdeutung by Sigmund Freud

The book:

Known around these parts as "The Interpretation of Dreams," Freud's book introduces the Father of Psychology's theory of the unconscious and what would later be known as the Oedipus Complex.

The game:

A Phoenix Wright-style graphic adventure, in which you try to break through all of your personal demons, unlock complex symbologies, and dispel neuroses on your way to real personal understanding.

Needless to say, the final boss is your father.

I can't wait for...

...the part where I finally understand why I start crying every time I see a clown eating a hot dog.