I hereby award our Best of 2009 Non-Awards the Latest 2009 Awards award! Hurrah! Awards for everybody!

In case you're just joining us, we've abandoned the traditional Game of the Year bore-athon in favor of a community and staff collaboration. You write 'em, we write 'em, and then we put 'em all together. So instead of crap like Best RPG, we've got Best Game About Trains to Play on a Train and Best Obscenely Difficult Game. Well, actually we do have a Best RPG award, but it's not what you think.

These awards aren't going to award themselves, so let's get going! Look for more Best ofs and Best Worst ofs over the next week -- we've got a whole lot of honors and scorn to pass out....

Bitmob's Best of 2009: Part 1 (you are here)
Bitmob's Best of 2009: Part 2
Bitmob's Best of 2009: Part 3
Bitmob's Best Games of 2009
Bitmob's Best Worst of 2009: Part 1
Bitmob's Best Worst of 2009: Part 2

Best Natural Highs: Tie: New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Splosion Man
By Dan 'Shoe' Hsu
2009 was almost the year of the platformer on the efforts of these two titles alone. Both featured precision-perfect controls and exquisitely tough level designs that will drag the hardcore out of any gamer -- along with a few swears as well.

Those that complained about New Super Mario Bros. Wii's overly familiar gameplay probably didn't play far enough -- some incredible stages live deep into the game. World 7-6's flying turtles (no, not Koopas) form tenuous ascending and descending platforms behind dissipating cloud cover, while 8-7's speedy skeletal roller coaster takes its riders through scorching lava geysers.

Meanwhile, Splosion Man ping-pongs off explosive barrels and claustrophobic walls, timing everything just perfectly to fly in between electrified grids or stay ahead of rapidly rising water.

Phew! The surge of adrenaline combined with the sweet relief of tension for finally reaching the goal...we practically need a cigarette after finishing these levels from these sublime platformers.

Best Writing: Dragon Age: Origins
By Suriel Vazquez
Dragon Age's writing finds its strength in situational commentary. While many of its characters have fairly archetypal backgrounds, most of them develop into something much less clichéd. They react in realistic ways to the situations they encounter, and their realism encourages you to act as you would in real life. Especially human are the inconsequential conversations that characters have while you're doing things like shopping around and talking to locals. The game even manages to be funny without being too self-aware or tongue-in-cheek.

These characters make me care about what happens to them, which makes it all the more heart-breaking when they choose to leave your party -- and take your special armor with them. I really miss that armor.

Best History Lesson: The Beatles: Rock Band
By Matt Giguere
Activision laid down the opening riffs to the licensing rock-off, but Harmonix gave the encore. More than a simple tribute, The Beatles: Rock Band offers a near-complete history lesson of both the band and the changing music scene of the time.

From the montage of tour photos in the cut-scenes to the small audio clips from studio recording sessions, The Beatles: Rock Band sets a new standard for blending games with history. The extras, such as video footage of their appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show and the hilarious Christmas recording, are unequaled by any other music game. History can be fun!

Best Settler of Stupid Arguments: Scribblenauts
By Evan Killham
During PAX 2009, attendees would participate in cell-phone polls while waiting in line for the expo hall. With so many geeks around, it should come as no surprise that a substantial portion of the poll questions took the form of "Who would win in a fight?" The results elicited groans from certain nerd pockets, cheers from others, and ire from me.

Little did we know that Scribblenauts and its free-play title screen would soon arrive to answer all of our most annoying "Who would win in a fight?" questions (except Kirk vs. Picard -- they're not in there). But a Kraken could take Cthulhu, and a pirate always, always beats a ninja.

Now please...just stop.

Best Ad Campaign: Plants vs. Zombies
By Daniel Feit
PopCap sewed up this award with the first trailer for Plants vs. Zombies, which took the form of a music video. With the catchy refrain of "We don't want zombies on our lawn," the video charmed viewers while simultaneously informing them of the game's basic premise: kill zombies trying to enter your house.

Not content to leave it at that, PopCap then won the hearts of web users everywhere with a zombie send-up of the crass banner ads for Evony. Responding to the increasingly desperate campaign that put underdressed women ahead of the actual product, PopCap's "sexy" zombie drew immediate and universal praise. Video game advertising has never been above sniping at the competition, but PopCap managed to mock without appearing spiteful.

Best Performance of Not-Quite Killing Dudes: Batman: Arkham Asylum
By Kris Pigna
Batman's murky morality is part of his dark appeal, but it can also lead to strained logic and dubious bat-behavior. For example: Batman Begins' "I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you" ending, which I'm pretty sure is the superhero equivalent of "I'm going to spin my fists in the air, and if you happen to be in my way and I hit you, it's your fault."

And in Arkham Asylum, Batman also refuses to kill...but doesn't hesitate to drop-kick, string up, hit in the neck with sharp batarangs, hit in the neck with sharp electrical batarangs, and crush with exploded cement every dude in his way. That he never commits an act of accidental manslaughter is a superheroic feat in itself.

"Got you, fiend! Now to bat-errogate you for info.
Fiend? Hello? Earth to fiend? ...Uh oh."

Best of Blurbs (click on the title to read the full text)

Best Value: I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES!!!1
"I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MB1ES!!!1 costs a dollar. It says so right there in the incredibly catchy song that accompanies your wholesale slaughter of zombies, worms, freaky-ass Smileys, and goo. Honestly, I would pay a dollar just for the song; the fact that there's a sweet twin-stick shooter attached to it is just a bonus." -Evan Killham

Best Boss Battle: Flamelurker, Demon's Souls
"All of Demon's Souls' boss fights were epic, but none compared to the relentless onslaught of Flamelurker, My first victory against the beast came after more than 20 minutes of intense fighting." -Rob Savillo

Best Line of Dialogue: Assassin's Creed 2
"One of the great comedic moments in gaming, delivered with perfect finesse and pomp by Uncle Mario, real Italian and close relative to protagonist Ezio: 'It's a-me, Mario!'" -Chris Cosmo Ross

Best Controlled Chaos: New Super Mario Bros. Wii
"I've read plenty of hate about the multiplayer experience in New Super Mario Bros. Wii, but I maintain that these people simply haven't found the optimal strategy: master the use of the bubble and screw over your friends whenever it's good for a laugh." -Brett Bates

Best Obscenely Difficult Game: Henry Hatsworth and the Puzzling Adventure
"I tried out Henry Hatsworth based on a few recommendations and was hooked - even if I found myself holding fistfuls of my own hair after failing to perfectly hop across a platforming segment." -Jeffrey Michael Grubb

Best Most Adorable Character Design: Singing Dudes in Rhythm Heaven
"Clearly a tactful trio, these three showed up to the glee club recital impeccably dressed and ready to go. Check out those ties. Check out those pristine white threads! Simply stunning. And if the getups don't get you, their soothing, warble-singing sounds will." -James DeRosa

Best Game to Throw at a Wall: Rhythm Heaven
"I've spat plenty of vitriol about this game already, but I wanted to give it one last kick in the groin before we close the door on 2009. Never have I played such a broken, difficult, malicious game. That or I'm just no good at it. And I refuse to admit the latter." -Brett Bates