I have a very poorly concealed obsession with cars. I don't know where it came from or how to stop it, but I know that my ideal profession would be to make a (watchable) American edition of the British TV show Top Gear. Since no one would actually watch that, I've done the next best thing.

Many journalists -- myself included -- are convinced that Gran Turismo 5 really wants you to play it with a racing wheel. Seeing as I am a poor college student, getting a full wheel setup is totally out of the question. So I must rely on the floaty-feeling analog sticks and weak triggers on the PS3 controller to do all my driving. 

With that in mind, I've decided to combine my thoroughly amateur driving skills and Gran Turismo 5 for a little experiment: How fast will I spin out if I attempt to race aggressively? For this test I've selected five of the silliest-named cars available in the GT5 single race arcade mode. I'll be driving with automatic transmission turned on and trying desperately to complete the Nürburgring GP / F track. Can I do it? Probably not. 

Car: Spoon CR-Z
Maker: Honda/Spoon

Spoon is an engine tuning and parts manufacturing company that specializes in Honda cars. This CR-Z is a hybrid hatchback done up in Spoon's signature blue and yellow. At the start of the race, this car felt surprisingly grippy and solid compared to the Honda I was using in the career mode, but that soon changed once I started navigating sharp corners. Braking had the jerky impact of hitting a brick wall, and by the time I'd fallen dead last, I had nearly gone airborne as I collided with another car.

That's a pretty dismal first test....

Time to absolute failure: 1:32.283

Car: Brera Sky Window 3.2 JTS Q4 '06
Maker: Alfa Romero

I've always loved the look of Alfas. Unfortunately this particular Alfa looks like the back was chomped off by a much bigger, nastier car. If I'd been driving more responsibly, I might have finished this race, but one unsteady turn and an eager NPC car attempting to overtake me from the inside sent me spinning off into a doom-filled patch of loose gravel along a hairpin turn. 

Time to absolute failure: 1:35.816

Car: Delta HF Intergrale Evoluzione '91
Maker: Lancia

If I fail in a 20-year-old Lancia, I'm never allowed to have a fancy car of my very own. Right, here we go.

Damn it. Right from the start, the floaty analog controls mixed with the Lancia's wobbliness sent me careening into cars left and right. I managed to regain control just as the first tricky turns came up but was immediately slammed against the wall by another car trying to overtake me from the inside. I went nose-first into the side wall, and in a flash it was over. 

Time to absolute failure: 0:39.866

Car: NISMO 380RS Super Leggera
Maker: Amuse

This is such a pretty car. And I'm absolutely terrified of what I'm about to do to it after that dreadful run in the Lancia. 

Oh no. I'm not even going to tell you what happened. That poor car....

Time to absolute failure: 0:14.783

Car: Zonda R '09
Maker: Pagani

I chose this car because I thought it would be funny to drive one where I knew I'd fail. Seeing as I hadn't made it through a complete race yet, my goal was to last longer than 14 seconds.

Like some terrible, screeching banshee, the Zonda R zoomed toward first place with abandon. I tensed as the first turn came up, but it continued with its blood-chilling scream well into the third. I was in first now, and any slight tap of the accelerator sent it barreling toward 200 MPH. Suddenly, I braked far too quickly and the deafening noise exploded into a soul-grating scrape. Then everything was quiet. 

Time to absolute failure: 0:50.916

And that concludes this poorly planned experiment. Clearly I am terrible at this game, but keep in mind that I was not driving carefully at all. Gran Turismo 5 isn't a game you can just plow through. It requires precision and understanding, and most of all an actual wheel you can turn in your hands. My thumbs just can't respond fast enough!