Once again, it's time to get our halls decked by a bunch of merry pranksters!

Black Friday and Cyber Monday? Forget those ancient concepts. The holiday shopping season starts the week before Halloween and ends three hours after your credit card screams out its safe word, the whiney little bitch. And the in-store deals accelerate to insanity even before you carve up your Thanksgiving turkey.

Sure, you can burn cash on sweaters, socks, and Jerry Garcia ties for all the family members you hate, but it's better to give something that proves you're a total badass. We know you totally agree with us...we totally agree with us, too. That's why we've gotten our super-jolly panel of experts to compile a detailed list of what should be under everybody's tree and/or bush. Best of all, you know they're not checking to see who's been naughty or nice.

"I give you the gift of a bloody, humiliating, button-mashing death! I know that's what I get everyone every year, but you ingrates always return it unopened."

- Kratos, God of War 3

"Bacon of the Month Club. Juicy, delicious, dead bacon from around the world arrives by mail at your door every month. They just need to bump up the quantity from one pound to five tons."

 - Angry Bird, Angry Birds

"You can never go wrong with crazy-big guns that turn people into farm animals. My itchy trigger finger's ended famine on at least three planets."

- Ratchet, Ratchet & Clank: All 4 One

"Don't let Ratchet fool you. Every year, the only thing on his list is 'Rainbow Afronator' written several thousand times with little drawings of flowers in the margins."

- Clank, Ratchet & Clank: All 4 One

"I'm telling you, for versatility and plain ol' fun, nothing beats a baseball bat with nails through it. That is the gift that keeps on givin', right there. But like my buddy Keith says, the real genius is getting the angles just right when you're pounding those nails in. Otherwise, what you're inventing is the baseball rake."

- Ellis, Left 4 Dead 2

"Santa always brings me a new, ridiculously large sword and a case of Prozac. I was 25 before anyone told me edged weaponry and self medication aren't the true meaning of Christmas."

- Cloud Strife, Final Fantasy 7

"I like symbiotic gifts. This year, I'm thinking Judo lessons, college football tickets, and imported beer. It's a scientific fact that any two of those things always leads to the third."

- Faith, Mirror's Edge

"Y'know, I thought I'd reached the apex when a fat guy in a C-cup came down my chimney and started removing his jolly red suit one velcroed section at a time, but then I heard about the Dragonborn in Skyrim, and you know what that means: You can f*** a dragon. I had no idea! So find one in heat, stick a bow on that bitch, and ho ho ho!"

- Isaac Clarke, Dead Space 2

"Me and Sully always give each other DVDs that we already own, so this year I'm getting him a mail-order Russian bride. That's not weird, is it? Because Sully following me and Elena around everywhere like a lost puppy? That's weird.

- Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception

"I always bake a ton of my orphan-chip cookies from scratch and give them out. They're made with my special ingredient...love!

- Ridley, Metroid: Other M

"Everybody already has their 60-inch smart television, an iPad 2, a boss gaming laptop, remote controlled flying sharks, and high-end, gold-plated Vernier calipers, amirite? So this year, I'm going big, and I mean big...aviator pants and goggles! We're bringing 'em back, dude!

- Gordon Freeman, Half-Life 2

"I recommend a completely organic, almost-non-addictive drug that bestows super powers on the user. And let me assure you it's naturally harvested by a very enthusiastic group of minors, not a violent Columbian cartel. Also, it's legal in California with a prescription."

- Big Daddy, BioShock 2