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If Kratos's weapons are all available at the same time, that means he must store them somewhere on his half-naked body. But where?

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Editor’s note: When I was younger, "children's games" never earned a spot in my collection simply because they were usually poorly executed. I suspect those experiences have carried over with journalists reviewing games today. And I fear that I won't have the same patience as Matthew to sit through Bakugan with my own son when he's older. I can only hope to instill a decent sense of taste.... -Rob

When I read reviews that are meant for a younger mindset, I cringe. No matter how many times the reviewer says that he’s doing so with respect to the game’s audience, you can tell that just isn’t true. I don’t know whether it’s because reviewers can’t think like a 9-year-old or that they’re just afraid of losing their “hardcore” cred in whatever culture they wrap themselves, but they miss the point every time.

Want to know how to review a game with adorable woodland creatures sporting googly eyes or whatever flavor-of-the-week cartoon character happens to be the current fad? You play the game with a kid.

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This week on Hit or Miss: Nintendo announces some release dates or something (is that a big deal?); Doritos tries to convince us that lending their brand to a "Pro-Gamer Combine" can make the idea of a "Pro-Gamer Combine" not-absurd; Tecmo tries to convince us any pornographic undertones in Dead or Alive: Paradise were totally "unintentional" (large, obvious wink); and Electronic Arts suggests the new Medal of Honor may -- gasp! -- actually be a thoughtful and empathetic examination of real-life combat in a big-budget shooter.

Where the hell do they get off, right?

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We've seen some amazing BioShock artwork and cosplay, but nothing says "I love Bioshock" like taking a chainsaw and carving a Big Daddy out of a tree. Something about the dedication Jason (hockey mask -- get it?) gives making this statue is equally inspiring and disturbing. [via Geekologie]:

Unless he gets paid for sculpturing wood, this guy is wasting his time in whatever profession he is currently employed in. History Channel's Ax Men needs to swoop down and sign this guy up immediately!

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Look alive, private! The week's over and we're buggin' out. You know what that means? That's right -- the Bitmob Reviews Spotlight!

Kevin Zhang-Xing steps front and center like a good soldier with his review of Aliens vs. Predator 2. What's the game like? FUBAR! The online servers are offline, the graphics are old, and the game's no longer scary. But how's the nostalgia factor? Scroll down to find out, son.

Thomas Johnson chimes in with another celebrated rivalry. But instead of predatory aliens battling it out, it's Plants vs. Zombies!

Have you ever been bullied in the past? I bet you have, you nerd! Well, now's your chance to get back at the high school jocks who tortured you, because in Bully, you play as one. Richard Moss fills us in.

According to Alex Martin, Kana: Little Sister will blow you mind. Short of being trippy, the Japanese visual novel follows a young girl who is hospitalized for renal failure. Sounds weird, doesn't it?

Lastly, Ben Maltz-Jones shares his opinions on Comet Crash, a downloadable game available on the PlayStation Network.

So square yourselves, gear up, and get to the choppa -- you're now entering the Spotlight!

Aliens vs. Predator 2 - 9 Years Later
By Kevin Zhang-Xing
Almost a decade has passed since most of us last occupied the blood-soaked boots of Corporal Harrison. Without a functional multiplayer component or the same graphical awe, how does Aliens vs. Predator 2 fare after so many years?

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Having this fancy new article editor has doubled the number of posts I've seen in the Mobfeed compared to recent months. Glad to see so many people are taking advantage of this opportunity and cranking out intriguing stories.

Jeremy Sigor starts with his stance on Darwinia+, and how developers could learn a thing or two about porting RTS games from PC to console based on Darwinia's XBLA release. Next, B.J. Saricks is fed up with 1-10 review systems that refuse to accept five as their average score. It's in the middle, what's the problem?

Fred Olson II finds comfort in assuming a decisive role in games, finding the ability to make world-changing decisions and to do the right thing in situations empowering. Finally, Chas Guidry tackles the latest news on a remake of Final Fantasy 7, and why an HD version of the game may not be the best option.

Three Simple Ways Darwinia+ Teaches Us How RTS Games Can Work on Consoles
By Jeremy Sigor
Fans of the strategy game Darwinia were concerned at how it would fair when ported to Xbox Live. While many RTS titles don't stand up when brought over to consoles, Jeremy feels Darwinia+ not only works, but sets the bar for future games making the jump between platforms.

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Editor's Note: I've honestly never understood the appeal of achievements. With so many people seemingly addicted to them, this vision of the future terrifies me. - Jay

About a month ago I decided to start taking the steps, instead of the elevator, to reach my third story office every morning and today -- when I reached the top -- my phone dinged. I checked the message as I sat down in my cozy office chair and read "Life Achievement Unlocked - Stair A Habit - 400 Points." I clicked on the message to check the info, and it explained that I earned the achievement for taking the stairs to my office 30 days in a row. 

That evening on the drive home, I received another ding, and I checked it while cruising down I-70. It read: "Life Achievement Unlocked - Cautious Driver - 100 Points." This time, the details explained that I drove at or under the speed limit for 10 miles straight. 

At home I received an email explaining all the opportunities I missed to earn more "Life Achievements." I lost 50 points by not waiting until the car was stopped to check my message on the drive home. The message also said I was placed on my Family, Local, and Nationwide leaderboards, and it gave me a rundown of the "Achievements" that other people in my network earned. My wife was barely beating me, little Jeffrey earned 100 points for getting an A on his math test, and little Stephanie earned 150 points for practicing her dance routine after school. 

At this point I am used to my wife having a higher score than me. It doesn't really bother me because, if I can get my entire family up to a collective 10,000 points this month, we will get a discount on our insurance plan. 

Obviously, this is not my life, but it could be according to Shoe's recent post: The Future of Everything.

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Editor's note: Like his former Crispy Gamer cohort John Keefer, Kyle Orland has stuff to write for Bitmob because "it doesn't fit anywhere else." Glad to be home to to your "alternative" content, guys! -Shoe

A recent MTV Multiplayer report says that Project Natal demos include a tenth-of-a-second delay between real-world and on-screen movement. How bad is that delay in terms we can really understand? We need some context....

• Average delay between real-world movement and on-screen movement for Project Natal demos: 100 milliseconds (ms) (source)
   
• Average time for a college-aged individual to react to a visual stimulus: 190ms (source)
   
• Duration of a human blink: 267 - 400ms (source)
   
• Approximate time for a 100 mph fastball to reach home plate: 412ms (source)
   
• Average delay between fret press and on-screen display in the PS3 version of Guitar Hero 3: 50ms (source)
  
  

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Editor's note: Jeff's history lesson provides a sobering -- and hilarious -- look at the history of gaming peripherals. It's a must-read for anyone excited about Project Natal or Sony's wand controllers. -Brett

Maybe you've seen them at your local video game shop: piles of odd looking plug-ins, add-ons, and thingamajiggers in the corner collecting dust, over-excited proclamations screaming from their worn boxes -- "FULL BODY ACTION!" "Everything else is child's play!" "Now nothing comes between you and the game!" 

What are they? Gaming's forgotten history, that's what. A history that could possibly repeat itself with the heaps of futuristic peripherals coming out from Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo.

Not that I blame them for trying to sell gamers on the future. The positive perception of any video game company is fueled by technophiles in lust. However, if the technophiles would stuff their e-boners back into their file and think back a decade or two, they might remember that while the tech has improved, the promises haven't changed much.

And if they don't remember, I'm here to help: Here are five gaming technologies that were ahead of their time -- and the lessons companies can learn from them today.

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I recently starting playing Dante's Inferno with the intention of reviewing it. Despite my displeasure with the marketing campaigns surrounding this game, the lure of exploring a digital version of hell was too tempting to pass up.

I am a very cautious and methodical gamer, and I typically use as many save slots as the game will allow. After about two hours, I realized that this game was very linear, with not much room for choice or exploration. Consequently, I broke with my usual tradition as I did not see much point in cluttering up my limited storage space with useless saves. I didn't realize at the time how much of a mistake this would be.

I continued playing the game at what I thought was a decent pace. After five hours or so, I judged that I was roughly 30% finished with the game based on my knowledge of the original literary source. Then I came upon the puzzle that would soon be my undoing.

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Little Sisters are creepy. We can all agree on that. But what about a grown person in a Little Sister costume? Yep, it’s still very creepy [via PlayStation University]:

This is what I imagine Alice looks like in Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland movie. Also, I love that she went to an aquarium dressed like that. I'm surprised they let her in with that giant needle thing. She must have told them it was for science or something.

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