Editor's note: Poor Brett Bates. We gave him a copy of Rhythm Heaven and it ruined his life. Now he'd like to give you the game, so it can ruin yours. It's like the monkey's paw of Bitmob! -Demian
[Update: Sorry, folks, the contest is over. Congrats to Toby Davis!]
As some of you may recall, I won Rhythm Heaven in a contest last week. At the time, I thought that my winning was a wonderful thing. I mean, a free game! Who wouldn't be excited about that? But what I didn't realize was that Rhythm Heaven sprang forth from a circle of hell so heinous that not even Dante himself would venture into it. It's bar none the toughest game I've ever played. Worse, it kicks your ass and then lets you know how much you suck.
Rhythm Heaven starts out innocently. The first level simply makes you flick bolts in a factory to create some sort of widget -- in retrospect, I'm thinking maybe an iron maiden? -- in time to the beat. On my initial try, I struggled to perform the proper flicking action and failed. Fair enough: it often takes time to acclimate to the controls of a new game, especially when the game is stylus-based. So I gave it another shot. This time I felt more in step with the beat, but I still messed up a few times. Failure. I tried again. Epic fail. Tried again. Fail again! Finally, on my fifth attempt, the game grudgingly informed me that I was "just OK" and could go to the next level. In response I leapt off the couch and pumped the air with my fist. "Hell yes!" I shouted. "I'm 'OK'!" I don't think I've ever been so excited for someone to tell me I'm merely average.
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