Editor's Note: Don't pity poor Sonic, the latest subject/target in Andrew's series of mockumentary game character interviews (see also: Mario, Funky Kong). Turns out Sonic really loves himself. -Demian

For a primer on the sexual fetishism of videogame characters, the author points the audience to this segment of GFW Radio, March 27, 2007. With that, please note, you have kindly been warned.

After a harrowing path of loop-de-loops, bottomless pits, and treacherous cliffs, I'm invited into a small out of the way abode in the heart of Green Hill Zone.

His blue spikes and cocky smirk are famous worldwide, and his red shoes propel him into the kitchen to prepare us some coffee for our discussion. I am in the home of Sonic the Hedgehog, mascot, pioneer, and videogame legend.

I hang my jacket up, and before I can follow him, he reappears in the hallway. Or at least I thought it was him.

"Oh you're here are you? Come in and make yourself at home."

Confused, having already met Sonic, I make my way into the comfortable house. I'm shown to the kitchen, only to see Sonic the Hedgehog fussing with the coffeepot.

"Wow, you really are fast!" I say, genuinely impressed. "I didn't even see you pass me."

"Huh?" he says as he finishes tipping the water into the pot. "Oh, I see you've met my wife."

Confused I turn to where he is looking, and I see...Sonic the Hedgehog?

"You're married...to yourself?"

"No, I'm married to Sonic the Hedgehog."

The interview hasn't even started, and I can see that this will be an eye-opening experience.

***

In the late 80s, Nintendo held almost the entire videogame industry in the palm of its hand. The end of the decade saw the release of two 16-bit consoles, each technologically superior to the NES, each hoping to grab a bit of Nintendo's market share. One of those was the Sega Genesis.

Attitude reigned supreme and Sega developed a mascot that oozed a ridiculous amount of attitude, even for the era. Sega released Sonic the Hedgehog only weeks prior to the launch of the much anticipated Super Nintendo. Sonic was everything Mario wasn't: cool, fast, edgy, and well...fast.

Speed was the name of the game, and Sega even coined the term "Blast Processing" to describe its supposed technical advantage. And Sonic delivered. By 1992, Sega had a 55% market share. While this would eventually erode, Sega was able to hold on as a genuine competitor to the juggernaut that was Nintendo. For a while.

"Those early days were great," says Sonic. "We were new, it was exciting. Sure, Blast Processing was bullshit, but when they saw me running...they believed it."

Sonic, for his part, became a sensation and filled the role of mascot he was designed for. His games sold millions, and with a healthy dose of critical acclaim, he was on deck to be the next Mario. But the market had other plans.

"To say we saw it coming," he says in reference to the downfall of Sega as console manufacturer, "would be lie."

***

With the success of the Genesis, Sega planned to leverage its install base with the introduction of a new set of consoles. First came two add-ons to the Genesis, the Sega CD and the 32x. Both were confusing pieces of technology, and with no killer apps, they were commercial flops.

Next, the company came out with its entry in the 32-bit era: the Sega Saturn.

"Oh, that thing!" Sonic groans in response to my mentioning of the system. "A clusterfuck from the word go. I wanted nothing to do with the system."

While the character did have reservations about the new Sega console, he did manage to appear in three games over the course of the Saturn's short life. Sonic Jam was a compilation of his earlier adventures on the Genesis, Sonic R was a racing title, and Sonic 3D Blast is the oft-maligned entry into a pseudo-3D space.

"It was isometric," he corrects me. "It took forever to get to the Saturn...and it was only exactly what we could do on the Genesis. At least the bonus stages were in 3D so we could include something we weren't doing in 1992."

While there was no "true" Sonic game on the Saturn, one was developed, a 3D game, but it was never released. The official story is that the development process was hampered by internal conflict and lack of communication, but Sonic offers up a darker reason for the game's cancellation.

"We were still high on our success in the 16-bit era. Tails, Knuckles, Eggman...we were a fearsome foursome on the party circuit."

Indeed, Sonic admits to long nights of substance abuse and hedonistic sexual activity during the days of the Saturn. Absence from the studio, fights with programmers, and disrespect for arcane but very real Japanese business hierarchy left the team with no option but to cancel the title.

Sonic says that the death of the Saturn was a moment of awakening for him. "At one point, Bernie Stolar [then head of Sega of America] brought me aside and gave me a stiff talking to. ‘You,' he said ‘killed the Saturn, you drunk fuck. The Saturn may not be our future, but you are.' That was a lot to digest."

The star quickly got himself into rehab and prepared for the next Sega console. He dedicated himself to turning around his fortunes, and the fortunes of the company for whom he was the mascot.

***

Sonic Adventure was heralded as a return to form for the superstar, and was billed as the flagship game for the new Dreamcast. The console was the most powerful piece of hardware on the market, and as the high review scores piled up, Sega fans were buoyed with optimism.

Unfortunately, Sega couldn't capitalize on the momentum. With three more consoles from competitors to hit shelves in the next two years, the Dreamcast's fate was sealed.

"We were disappointed, but this was something like, the 4th major piece of hardware that was a failure. We were used to it by now. Turns out, it was the best thing that ever happened to me!" says Sonic.

No longer in the hardware biz, Sega soon distributed its software to every other console, via new games and retro compilations. Naturally, Sonic was at the forefront.

"Of course, there is a certain amount of pride being exclusive to a console, but it wasn't long before we realized the potential," he states.

All was not well with the Blue Blur. He was four years sober, and while the success was nice, he was still missing something in his life. Perhaps flirting with his former depths of depravity, he hit the internet in search of this new fan base.

"I learned a lot of things about myself," he says.

***

"Slash," the fictionalization of sexual relationships between otherwise uninvolved characters in popular media, has existed since the 1960s. Originating with Kirk/Spock stories, just about every franchise in popular culture has a segment of fans creating stories, images, and film depicting characters in "unauthorized" sexual relationships.

The Internet has allowed people who are sexually interested in any number of stimuli to congregate and celebrate their sexual desires. Any appetite can find its niche: toonaphiles, furries, robophiles....

The Sonic the Hedgehog Universe, and its stable of characters, are no different. The fan creations, while initially restricted to dark corners of the internet, are now often the first hits in a Google image search. It was at these forums that Sonic the Hedgehog took stock of his own sexuality.

"I was reading all these fans admitting to sexual fantasies involving my friends and I," Sonic explains. "That was a little weird, but it went beyond that. They were in love with me and Knuckles and Tails. They just didn't think we were hot, they thought we were beautiful."

"I really warmed up to it," he continues. "I wanted to be in love with them while they wished I was in love with them. I wanted to fulfill their every fantasy, but I couldn't...."

"Why not?" I ask, tentatively.

"Because I, too, was in love with Sonic the Hedgehog."

"You were in love with yourself?"

"Not me. Sonic the Hedgehog."

"But you are Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Yes. And I am in love with him."

"How can you be in love with him if it's you?"

Sonic's gigantic eyes become almost infinitesimally smaller. I think he's glaring at me. "Exactly what I expected from the narrow minded. That's discriminatory. I am in love with Sonic the Hedgehog and have made him my wife. And that's it."

I look to the other Sonic the Hedgehog, who has been silent up to this point.

"It's true," he states simply.

***

While the transition from hardware developer to software publisher offered Sega great opportunities to discover new markets for its properties, many loyal fans of the company point to this transition as the beginning of the downturn. Review scores crept lower, until such a point that the Sonic games became a laughingstock among serious gamers.

There was a much ballyhooed yet-another-return-to-form with the release of Sonic Unleashed, but the title ended up disappointing; it was light on old-school Sonic gameplay and featured "were-hog" segments that did not impress.

"You have to understand," says Sonic. "In the days of the 16-bit era, it was nothing to make huge stages. Look at Super Metroid, it's all one level! My games were packed with all sorts of real estate, simply because they had to be, because I am so fast. But that is such a logistics nightmare in 3D. It takes forever. We had to scale back the old Sonic levels and beef up the game with slow-paced action."

Regardless of reasoning, the new Sonic games have been thuds. Ironically, one the best games featuring Sonic also starred his former rival --Â Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. Likewise for Sonic's appearance in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

This development doesn't bother the character at all.

"I am happy where I am. There is so little pressure. Being a C-level character has offered me freedom to choose my own projects as well as a certain amount of privacy."

This privacy is certainly welcome in the Sonic and Sonic household. Not only are they able to stay under the radar of their rabid fans, they are able to keep their bizarre union to themselves, which defies any attempt to define it.

Each Sonic refers to the other as wife, despite both being male, while refusing any label that hints at homosexuality or transexualism. Both make painstaking efforts to assert that they are not in love with "themselves." They will not call themselves furries or toonaphiles. In fact, they don't call themselves anything.

Our interview is left at that, with the other Sonic the Hedgehog cleaning up our coffee mugs. The first one I met escorts me to the door, and with a handshake bids me adieu. I try to hide how uncomfortable the entire affair has been.

As I walk away from their small cottage, Sonic calls out.

"Don't be writing anything stupid. I am who I am, and that's all that I am!"

Funny. You could say the same about his games.