Welcome to another edition of Controller Cinema, the review series that sets out to dig through every video game film and television adaptation ever made to separate the hidden gems from the heaps of disappointing, disrespectful and all round crappy cinematic translations. Now I know I haven’t written one of these in months and to the few of you who actually enjoy these, I really do apologize. To be perfectly honest, I was originally planning to revive the series with a review of the original Mortal Kombat flick back in April when the big series reboot was launched but I opted out to focus primarily on my game reviews, since they are starting to get to fairly popular. Hell, I had even decided to scrap this series completely but after tuning into Space (Canada’s answer to Syfy) the other night and stumbling upon this little martial arts film, I couldn’t help but have a sudden burst of inspiration.  

DOA: Dead or Alive is a marital arts film based on the fighting game franchise of the same name, which debuted in North American theaters on the weekend of June 15, 2007 and would go on to become a box office flop in every sense of the phrase. Critics hated film (The lack of press screenings meant that they had to pay to see it, which probably didn’t bode well). Not to mention that it completely tanked financially, with the combined international box office revenue and DVD/Blu Ray sales it only managed to make a little over a third of its price of production.

However, since I am not one to let the popular opinion sway me, I decided to give the movie an unbiased viewing. Is DOA deserving of its critical/financial ruin or is it an under-appreciated film that should be appreciated as fun popcorn flick?

The story of DOA begins with an introduction to the three female leads in a very Charlie’s Angels style fashion…for some reason, with the first femme fatale being the shinobi princess Kasumi (played by Devon Aoki). She wants to leave her clan to discover the truth about her brother’s death (which she thinks is merely a disappearance) during the last Dead Or Alive tournament. However, she is forbidden to leave the clan’s temple for some reason and must fight her way through the guards and high ranking shinobi Ayane (played by Natassia Malthe) whose apparent duty is to honor kill Kasumi if she leaves.

(OK, you can leave. But only to advance the plot)

Oh and she is in love with Kasumi’s brother who also happens to be her half brother. Hooray for incest!

Ok so, they don’t mention that in the movie but still, you’d think the writers would do a better job researching the characters.

Anyway, to get my train of thought back on track, Kasumi manages to escape just in time to get her invite to the tournament, which is a really cool shuriken with a little computer screen built in. Hayabusa (played by Kane Kosugi) who has also been invited to the participate in the tournament and who coincidentally happens to be Kasumi’s sworn protector/love interest gives chase, along with Ayane, who will make a few assassination attempts throughout the movie. Sigh, and yes, Hayabusa is in fact Ryu Hayabusa, although he is without his trademark mask and no references to Ninja Gaiden are made.  

The second female lead is professional wrestler Tina Armstrong (played by Jaime Pressly of My Name is Earl fame), who provides the films first bit of fan service as she gets struts around in a bikini top and Daisy Duke’s on her private yacht. But things don’t remain peaceful for long as she’s suddenly attacked by Liu Kang and his band of sea pirates. No seriously! The pirate leader is played Robin Shou!

(I can't help but feel that this is the wrong picture)

So, Kang and his rag tag band get their asses handed to them in an incredibly brief Kung Fu fight and are promptly thrown overboard, except for the one guy jumps off voluntarily. After the fight, her invitation to DOA appears and she sets off to face this new challenge. Oddly enough, she doesn’t use any wrestling moves here or anywhere else in the movie, which is strange because DOA participants are chosen based on fighting style and her style happens to be professional wrestling and…. Ah never mind. I’m probably reading too much into this. Let’s move on shall we?

Our third main heroine is the British thief and international assassin Christie Allen (played by Holly Valance) who provides the second bit of fan service (this will be a continuous theme throughout the flick) as she fights off Interpol agents in her bra and panties. After some kicks, punches, pistol-whippings and an array of ass and titty shots, Christie makes her getaway by means of motorcycle (with additional fan service) and receives her invite to DOA.

Flash-forward to a private jet, which is set to take all of the invited fighters to DOA Island, which is operated by the mysterious Dr. Donovan (played by Eric Roberts. Yup, it’s Mr. Brightside), a scientist who is one of the founders of The DOA tournament. Such fan favorite DOA characters like Gen Fu, Hitomi, Brad Wong, Lei Fang, Jann Lei and Eliot all make appearances on the plane but sadly these appearances (along with a few brief pieces of fight footage) are merely cameos, as the film decides to focus on our three main heroines and few other “important” side characters. Side characters like Christie’s partner in crime, Maximillian Marsh (played by Matthew Marsden), who cons his way to into the tournament in order to break into a giant safe, which is said to be hidden somewhere on DOA Island. He’s a bland tool and isn’t even a character from the games. He’s just added in to give Christie a love interest, because every female lead needs a lover to be interesting right?

Speaking of annoying, there’s professional DJ, Muay Thai specialist and all round dick bag Zack (played by Brian J. White), whose soul purpose in this story is to annoy the living shit out of Tina because she’s a pro wrestler and an attractive woman. Would it surprise you if I said his bits of douche baggery and sexism wind up irritating the viewer as well? Seriously, every groan worthy scene he’s in makes his inevitable beating all the more satisfying.

(Seriously, go die in a fire!)

Then there’s Bass Armstrong, Tina’s father and occasional tag team partner. He has entered the tournament to convince Tina to return to wrestling but this conflicts with her desire to prove that she isn’t a fake. Who plays Bass? Well, since he is an actual professional wrestler, I figured that it would be fitting to announce his entrance. There won't be any pyro though. Too big of a fire hazard.

Now entering the review at a height of 6 ft 11 inches and weighing in at 315 pounds, he hails from Detroit, Michigan and is by far, the most enjoyable actor in this movie, “Big Sexy,” Kevin Nash!    

But, I’ll get into why I thought Nash’s performance was the best one later.

Lastly, there’s Helena Douglas (played by Sarah Carter) who enters the tournament to learn the truth about Donovan’s motivations for hosting the tournament and to avenge the death of her father, who coincidentally is a co-founder of DOA. Oh and she is also the link to finding the vault. Whatever. She also has a love interest (which like Max, isn’t a game character but rather an add on for the sole purpose of providing a love interest for the sake of having one) Weatherby (played by Steve Howey), who is responsible for inventing most of the technology at Donovan’s disposal. He is also used for stereotypical nerd jokes, a really lame running gag where other characters forget his name (Bazooka Joe Comics have better jokes than that) and of course, his computer skills come into play during the final act. Although I should also mention that Weatherby is not on the plane and is introduced after the characters land on the island.

OK, we’re beginning to go off track here. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. So all of the tournament participants (and that one asshat who conned is way in) are flying around in Donovan’s private jet, when suddenly they are forced to watch an in flight movie starring some random bikini model (because what this film needed was more fan-service), who provides some valuable exposition. Like for example, the fact that the tournament will be held on DOA Island, where match-ups can literally happen anywhere at anytime and that the winner will receive a million-dollar grand prize. Bikini Girl claims that the reason for the tournament is to gather up the best competitors of their respective fighting styles and have them all duke it out to see whose the best all-round fighter in the world. Although, (surprise, surprise) this isn’t Donovan’s true motivation for the tournament but I don’t want to spoil the “twist. ”

(Hey! You're not room service!)

Once this little presentation is over, Random Eye Candy tells the fighters that they must now exit the plane, as the only way to reach DOA Island is by parachute and those who do not reach the top of the island’s main temple by sundown will be disqualified. So, basically we get a plot device double-whammy with this bit. Not only do we get to an excuse to see the girls get soaking wet in their already tight clothes but we also get to trim away some of the under-utilized roster as well. I wouldn’t exactly call that win-win. Win-lose maybe?

The three main girls reach the temple and use their combined acrobatic efforts (booby and butt shots ahoy!) to reach the top just in the nick of time and decide to become BFFs! From here we meet Donovan, who tells Kasumi that her brother was killed during a match up with DOA regular roid-rager, Leon (played by  Silvio Simac) and each fighter undergoes a physical, which ends up being an excuse for more fan-service (and lame comedy) but the ladies do get a bit of man-service (Nash and White), so um… hurray for social progress? Oh and during this physical, Donovan injects everyone with nano bots, which record their every move. Why would he do this? Sorry can’t tell you. But I will give you a hint. Think of the reason as a combination of DOA 3 and DBZ’s Cell Saga.

After the physical, the tournament begins and that is all I am willing to say without spoiling the movie, although I will say this:

Spoiler alert: There is a game of beach volleyball at the midway point.

(There! You got your Extreme Beach Volleyball reference. Happy?)

OK, where do I begin with this one? Considering that it’s a martial arts film, I should probably talk about the fight scenes first but I guess I’ll start off with my impressions of the story, since I spent so much time talking about it already.

The story, (sigh) is not all that great to be honest. The main plot surrounding the tournament and Donovan’s secret evil scheme is sort of interesting but it ultimately feels flat. The same can be said for the whole Kasumi, Hayabusa and Ayane situation and Tina’s side-quest to prove that she isn’t a “fake” (I really wish people would stop relating that term to wrestling. Predetermined, scripted and choreographed, yes. Fake, no). Although, Tina is given some funny moments with her dad. But dealing with the doucher king, doesn’t help her story much either. Oh and the whole heist plot is lame with a capital L and the Helena and Weatherby romance is just bland.

Why would the story of a movie with so much going on fall flat? Actually, I think I just answered my own question. With DOA only having an 87 minute run time, the writers (all three of them) felt the need to cram as much action, comedy and characters from the games into the plot as possible. We see characters that disappear within minutes after being introduced, bits of plot that are constantly interrupted by fights with T&A being shoved in pointlessly, lame jokes that either fall flat or work despite themselves and of course there are also the bits of character/romance development that have to be addressed as well. It just reeks of a desperation too keep the attention of fans of the game series and fans of marital arts movies. It feels like those really bad family films that just crams a bunch of bright colors, loud noises, silly slapstick and enchantment up the whazoo. Except here, it’s a constant barrage of action, boobs, explosions, butts and lame jokes.

(Ninjas? Sure, why not?)
 

Acting wise, well I shouldn’t say that it’s bad but it isn’t good either. Now, before you all think that I’m dissing the actors involved, I’m not. Devon Aoki, Natassia Malthe, Kane Kosugi, Jaime Pressly all give decent performances but the piss poor plot pacing and lame dialogue hinder those performances to a point where they barely register. I should say that when given any bit of comedy Pressly does make the best of it, since she happens to be a solid comedic actress. Especially when she is paired with Nash. Like I said previously, I think Nash gave the best performance (even though he is barely in the film). Why? Because Nash is charismatic enough to take even the most cringe worthy pieces of lame dialogue and make them hilarious (his TNA tenure for example), not too mention he has someone as talented as Pressly to play off of, which makes for some of the best exchanges in the entire movie. A good example of this would be the part where Bass learns that Tina is his opponent in the quarter finals and he enters Tina’s bedroom to start the match (remember, that in DOA fights can happen anywhere and at anytime), only to find her in bed with Christie. This comedic misunderstanding leads to a nice little verbal gem spoken by Bass about how unfair it was that his daughter is in bed with a girl hotter than ex-wife. I know it’s kind of lame and these kinds of scenes can be rather cringe worthy in other films but it was done well here.  

Oh and I should also say that Robin Shou was great in his brief cameo as well.

As for the other actors: Holly Valance, Sarah Carter and Steve Howey were bland, Matthew Marsden’s performance was weak, which is why his cliched, smart ass character comes off as overly prickish. Although, I will say that he did a decent job when it came to the slapstick used during his “fight” (if you wish to call it that) with Donovan’s bodyguard Bayman (played by Derek Boyer). Of course there was also Brian J. White’s portrayal of Zack. Sigh. Look, I know that Zack is a jackass in the games as well but these kinds of characters can be enjoyable to watch if they are toned down a smidgen and played with little subtly. I think what White did was try just a little bit too hard and made the character so over the top that I wanted to see that character die in a fire. But I give White credit for trying and I shouldn’t be too harsh on his performance just because I hate the character.

(Kick him again! I demand more pummels!)

That just leaves Eric Robert’s Donovan. He did an OK job I guess, but it felt kind of forced and generic. I mean when I first saw him on the screen, I thought David Hasselhoff was trying to play a Bond villain.

The fights are fairly decent, although a lot of them tend to either rip off other movies like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and The Matrix or end within the blink of an eye so we can get some more plot exposition, which will likely be interrupted by another fight, which will likely get interrupted by more plot. It’s a vicious cycle. But, in all seriousness, the fights can be pretty creative at times thanks to the fact that a fight can happen at anytime and place. Thanks to this, you can see characters fight each other on river rafts, or crash through hotel walls, brawling on the beach during a rainstorm, beating each other with bamboo or even get KO’ed by being thrown off a balcony (which is actually a neat little nod to the games). However, I must stress again that these fights suffer from lightning quick pacing (some even happen off screen) and of course you are going to be seeing plenty of tit and ass close ups and even a few up-skirt panty shots.  

One neat idea that was used for the first couple of minutes of the tournament was the fact that Donovan was watching the tournament on a computer screen, with each fighter having their own individual health bar. There was even an announcer introducing the rounds and announcing the winners, with text popping up on screen to match. Why was this removed after the brief snippets of round one? Granted it’s lame and cheesy but it’s cooler than most of the other visual shown in the movie. But at least it was added in as a nice homage, even if it was brief.  

(Three against one? That hardly seems fair.)

Before I end this little review, I have one last thing I want to talk about and that’s the odd way in which the locales are shown off. The hotels, beaches and temples of Bangkok, Guilin, Hengdian and Hong Kong all look great and authentic and the directors and cinematographers did a solid job filming them. However, there are a few instances where they use, well I’m not sure if it is trick lighting or digital effects but they do something to add a lot of extra color and by extra color, I mean the backdrop looks like it belongs in Wind Waker. I can see that they were trying to make it seem more like a video game and I can appreciate the effort and I’m not saying the uber bright colors aren’t pretty, but it just felt like over kill to me.

What do I think about the movie overall? It sucks. I know that fights scenes can be pretty decent and the actors, cinematographers and director try their best here but the story is weak, the characters are given to next to no development and pacing is absolute balls. It just feels like someone turned on one of the DOA games and decided to do a speed run on Arcade Mode. Oh and if I wanted to see a bunch of cleavage and ass close ups, I would just look them up on the Internet.

(Fighting in the rain may not be too practical but it sure is um...um.... What were talking about?)

If you’re looking for a great martial arts oriented comedy, I would highly recommend Kung Fu Hustle, Legend of the Drunken Master, Shaolin Soccer or if you’re not opposed to zombies, uber violence and plots that make no sense at all, I strongly recommend Versus.

Final Score: 3/10