Editor's note: Fictional interviews are tough to do well...fictional interviews with inanimate objects almost impossible. And yet! J. Cosmo pulls it off. It's a good way to almost wrap up our Dreamcastiversy (we've still got a few more DC posts to come this weekend). -Demian
My good friend just turned 10 years old, and as a special tribute I figured interviewing him, getting him to open up and tell the world how he really feels, was a good gift. Also: inexpensive. He likes attention, felt like he didn't get enough of it growing up, so what better way than sharing his story with the world?
I opened the basement closet, pulled the string. The light came on, flickering at first, then strong. I looked up, the top-shelf held the box I needed; the words scribbled on the side, "Dreamcast," stared back at me. I pulled it down, carefully, as I did every once in a while. I blew the dust off the top and cracked the box ever-so-slightly open. He was still sleeping. Poor guy, probably doesn't even know the year. Box in arm, I turn out the light, close the door and head upstairs.
Opening the box fully, he wakes up. I plug him in to the wall, hook him up to the TV, and press the power button.
Dreamcast: No. Not the high-definition one. Where's the...where's the standard definition TV? I can't handle HD, I look terrible.
J. Cosmo: It broke. I don't have it anymore. [I didn't have the heart to tell him I sold it to buy a pack of gum.]
DC: Don't judge my picture quality. You know I'm only capable of so much.
JC: I know. Hey, did you realize it's your birthday? You're 10!
DC: I...I am? Wow...time has really flown right by. 10? Are you sure?
JC: Yes. Positive. And my present to you is to give you more exposure, bring you back to the forefront of people's mind. Not that they've forgotten about you, but just to keep them updated on what you're up to, how you've been doing, so they don't forget.
DC: How are you going to do that?
JC: Interview you. I ask you questions, you respond with your feelings. Your true feelings.
DC: Sounds good.
JC: Alright. Can I get you anything before we get started?
DC: Chu Chu Rocket.
Dreamcast loves that game. It reminds him of Looney Tunes, Tom and Jerry. It's completely different of course, but he became so very addicted to playing it. I open him up, throw in the game, close the lid. The familiar, loud whirr echoes in the room. The internal fans blow the warm air out, filling the room with memories.
DC: You didn't delete my saved game. Thanks.
JC: No trouble. Alright, let's start. So what happened to you? Why'd you, as so many people put it, die?
DC: I'm not dead.
JC: I know, I was just --
DC: PlayStation 2.
JC: ...you think that's the reason?
DC: Think? I know. I mean, I probably wasn't going to last much longer anyway, but when he came into the picture, I was done before I was laid to rest. Did you see his launch games? I mean come on! SSX was okay, I hear, but other than that...what? Nothing. Nada. I had [expletive deleted] Soul Calibur! That game was played for [expletive deleted] years! Nay...it is still [expletive deleted] played. The graphics still hold up, right? [I nod]. Yeah, exactly. My textures owned PS2's blurry, muddy textures. I wanna vomit just thinking about it. Blech!
JC: OK, moving on....
DC: Fine.
JC: Do you feel like you helped pioneer online gaming for console gamers? And do you think Phantasy Star Online helped push things along?
DC: I mean, you want to think that you were that good, and who knows, maybe I was. My modem was built in, which was nice. No one had to go out and buy a peripheral, spend extra money they could have spent on a new game or two.
And as far as PSO goes, yeah, that game was huge. It definitely helped in paving the way for console gamers to play together online. But you know the best part? I have the best version. Not even current consoles can top my Phantasy Star greatness. I was [expletive deleted] king.
JC: Sonic Adventure was a launch title and garnered large amounts of praise when it came out. But looking back on it now, what do you think? Has it aged well, or was it a game from a different time?
DC: Well. Hmm. Look, I loved Sonic Adventure. Loved it. The Sonic parts were boss, definitely. But the other parts...not so much. And frankly, the voice acting was...
JC: Bad?
DC: Terrible. Horrendous. Bleeding from ears atrocious, even for the time. To answer your original question: Yes and no. There are some things that still work, but others that definitely don't. But hey, it's a 10-year-old game! What do you expect?
JC: Your original slogan...was it a slogan? I guess it was. Anyway, it was "It's thinking." Are you still thinking?
DC: Of course I still think! They never harnessed my full potential, never took advantage of me. [Laughs] When it comes down to it, I'm still relevant, right? I mean, you're asking me these questions so you can do a stupid [expletive deleted] interview, right? I'm still thinking.
JC: Fair enough--
DC: SEGA! [Laughs]
JC: [Laughs]
DC: Hey, you want to play some Soul Calibur? [He pops open his lid.] I figured out a way to skin every character as Sophitia. [He begins slowly opening and closing his lid, enticing me to play.]
JC: I can't, I have things to do....
DC: Oh come the [expletive deleted] on! It's my birthday! You think a [expletive deleted] interview is a present? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. "He likes the limelight," he says. "I'll share your feelings." [His fans kick into high gear, cooling him down a bit.]
Just play some Soul Calibur, for old times sake. Sophitia versus Sophitia?
JC: Alright. I guess. But only for a little while.
DC: Oh and I wanted to say one more thing -- I'm 10 years old and my online capabilites are still better than the Wii*.
I'm going to enjoy the next week or two with Dreamcast. I'll leave him hooked up to the TV, you know, cause it's his birthday. And maybe we'll reconnect again and have some more fun. Plus you just can't beat good old Sega classics.
Happy Birthday, old friend.
*I just wanted to say that my friend Buddy, who isn't on Bitmob (yet), came up with this last line. Sad but true.
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