Square-Enix announced Final Fantasy XIII-2 via a teaser trailer not too long ago, (which if you haven’t seen, is available here) but the trailer was light on details, so lets see if we can make some sense out this.

The trailer begins at the end of Final Fantasy XIII, and normally, this would be the part where I put up a *SPOILER ALERT*, but lets face it, if you haven’t played Final Fantasy XIII, you won’t know what you’re looking at, and if you have played it, but haven’t finished it yet, you probably still won’t know what you’re looking at.

Know what your problem is? You're putting a planet on a pedestal.

So let me tell you what you’re looking at. See that giant crystal ball? That’s a planet, and its conveniently held up by a crystal spire, on a pretty pedestal. So, right off the bat, Final Fantasy XIII-2 has taught us that one planet can penetrate another planet’s atmosphere with no geophysical ramifications, and that a planet can be held up by a crystal the size of an ice sickle without falling.

Feathers. Sh*t just got melodramatic.

After the recap, we find Lightning kneeling at a throne in a castle while angel feathers fall from nowhere, because nothing says “melodramatic” like angel feathers (and no, they’re not coming from her feathery sash). Then, Lightning feels its necessary to walk out onto the balcony to reveal her new style (and make her sword appear out of feathers).

Lightning wears armor now, but it looks like she only got it half right. The good news is she got the message about protecting her core. Unfortunately, it seems like she forgot about protecting her joints, because that’s all exposed. After all, cool chicks have to show some skin (and ten bucks says she’s wearing heels).

Cool chicks like to pose with their enemies

Transition to Lightning and an unknown white male standing back to back on a dusty plain while gold dust flitters in the air under cloudy skies. His sword burns black (or purple) and a (nonexistent) light glimmers from hers while the camera pans around them. And then they fight… each other. Because that’s what two people who want to kill each other do. They pose, then fight.

In the end, Final Fantasy XIII-2 isn’t a title, it’s a math problem. Take Final Fantasy XIII, and remove the technologically advanced planet (and the vast majority of the people that lived on it) and any semblance of logic, and you get Final Fantasy XIII-2.