Dear esteemed members of the Mushroom Court,

Am I the only one who's had enough? Villains kidnapped our beloved Princess Peach for what seems like the hundredth time over a two-decade period. I don't usually question how the feds spend our taxes, but maybe we should consider investing in police, armed forces, or -- at the very least -- a private security detail for Her Royal Highness?

The treasury's investment in golf courses and world-class kart-racing facilities brought us increased prosperity (well...it did when the exchange rates were good), but we mustn't ignore issues like homeland security. Our leaders are prime targets for kidnapping and extortion. We all now live with the expectation that criminals may ransom the Chancellor, Vice Chancellor, and Princess at a moment's notice. 

So how the hell is Bowser not behind bars? Last time I checked, kidnapping is a crime in this kingdom. Well, even so, it's not like we have anyone to enforce the law around here.

For a start, most of us are about half the height of your average plumber...and those guys usually aren't tall enough to play on a kid's basketball team. Our fashion sense is a detriment. These ridiculous toadstool hats -- that have somehow become part of our daily attire -- aren't very intimidating.

Lastly, our work ethic holds us back. Instead of banding together to rescue our future queen, we enlist the help of some violent Italian mercenary to get her back.

Don't get me wrong: I know Mario's done a lot for us, but he has so much blood on his hands. How many Koopa Troopas and Goombas have to die before someone calls this genocide? Let's go after the source of the problem here; these guys are just following orders...badly. I've heard that Bowser's been genetically modifying these guys with tanooki DNA, but they're still dropping like flies.

Bowser always thinks up elaborate methods of torturing the plumber. He's sending the poor guy 3D photographs of our princess in distress. He is one sick freak, and it's no surprise that Mario skins tanookis and eats shrooms in his efforts to get our matriarch back on home soil.

It costs us a lot of coin to feed this one-man army. Seriously, we just leave our money lying around so that he can pay to cheat death again. Before long, we'll have wasted all the money we've earned by hosting premiere sporting tournaments on one man's violent (and failed) campaign.

"Enough!" I say. Let's scrape some of that coin together and enlist the help of Blackwater or some other guns-for-hire. They've got experience with motion controls, too, so they'll feel right at home on our pristine beaches, floating castles, and haunted houses.

Yours in deepest care and concern,
A worried citizen