Initializing Diary
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This is the Diary of Samuel Shepard, currently commanding the SSV Normandy. It's been... Shit, I don't know how many days it has been. All that I know is that I died, and now I am back and working for the Xenophobic assholes at the Cerberus Corporation.
Dying was... Weird.
It didn't really hurt. What really hurt was waking up two years later surrounded by a bunch of ass-hats that I don't know.
Life is great... As long as I am out in the field kicking ass or talking to anyone that has something new to say. I just wish I had a crew that had more than five things to say to me.
Sure, Jacob is OK and the chick with the black hair is hot, but neither have much of personality. I mean, they were all chatty before. But once I helped Ms. Sassy save her sister and Mr. Macho find his sicko daddy... Well, I guess your old pall Shepard lost that new ship smell.
I mean, all they want to talk about now is the ship, the crew or the mission. If I try to chit-chat to waste some time between missions they never seem to have time.
Fuck that!
What the hell are they doing that is so important?
I mean, apparently I am the “only one who is skilled enough to scan all the unexplored planets we pass for minerals.”
I really think EDI just told me that so I would quit pestering “her.”
It is SO FUCKING BORING! I mean, I know we need the funds to buy upgrades... but didn't Cerberus just spend a fuckload of money to bring me back from the dead? I think the fucking Illusive Man should just man up and pay for anything I need.
We are the ones out gallivanting around to save the galaxy. What does he do except sit around in his holo-room and smoke cigarettes?
This is FUCKING BULLSHIT!
(Hit the jump for more of the diary)
Second Entry
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Hey! Guess what?!? I found my old pal Garrus! He was on a pit stain of a space station calling himself “Archangel.” What a freak!
Shit just got REAL SON!
Third Entry
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I fucking love my life. I get to go around turning gobs of fucking crazy ass robots into space dust, set my own rules and try to bone every female on my crew!
I fucked the shit outta my second in command last night and after she was all like “I'll feed your fish for you while you are gone.” Yeah, you can “feed my fish” anytime you want, baby! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN?!?
What a fucking slut!
I think I'm going to try to bang that new chick, Jack. She looks like she would be nasty as hell in the sack! All those tattoos and shit? You know she takes it up the ass!!!
Fourth Entry
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Man, these Collectors are some freaky-ass motherfuckers. Stealing thousands upon thousands of human colonists and riding around on a ship that looks like mufflers tied to a big rock... That shit just ain't right!
Things are great when something is happening. I feel stronger than ever, and don't have to manage all those power-ups, armor and ammo types that I did in my last life.
Its the times that we are between missions that can really drag me me down sometimes.
I walk around the Normandy just to make sure my crew is happy and no one wants to finally say something new to me, and most of the time all I end up doing is going on elevator ride after elevator ride.
Speaking of elevators, things are weird there now. I mean, I didn't think about it at first, but I seem to remember elevators taking FOREVER before I died.
Now they pass by in a split second, but it feels like I... disappear... for a while somewhere between when the doors close and when they open again. I also see strange things... like tons of neon with fucking moving drawings of ships flying and all kids of weird text flashing.
I think next time the Normandy takes a big knee I will ask whoever rebuilds it to make that bitch just one big-ass deck with no fucking elevators. I mean, why should it take me like thirty minutes to check on all the crew on every deck? Can't they just all be right next to each other next time?
Fifth Entry
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FUCK! I fucked shit up with that sassy bitch, Jack!
I tracked down Tali and saved her ass from some BS charges, and when we got back to the ship she was all like “I fucking love you Shepard. I wanna do nasty things to you, but I am a one man bitch.”
So I was all like, “OK.”
I thought I could just tell Jack that I was gonna get with Tali and she would be cool with it, but now all the does is scream “FUCK YOU” at me.
I mean... I did want her to scream “fuck,” but I wanted her to do that when I had my (censored) up her (censored)! If you know what I'm saying...
What the (censored) was that?
(censored) EDI! What the (censored) is going on?
(censored)! (censored)! You (censored) A.I.! What the (censored) do you think you are (censored) doing? What do you mean "My current path of dialog has been deemed inappropriate? (censored) you!
