Yes, Microsoft has hiked the price of Xbox Live.  Yes, the sky is falling.  Yes, sixteen billion people will stop subscribing come November (if they can manage to keep their accounts from auto-renewing).

…But did you know that’s not the half of it?

I happen to have a sixth sense about these things, and I’m fairly certain this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Here’s a few more signs that the end of the world are coming.  Once I predicted that, over time, the cost to produce something would increase at a similar rate of inflation, and look!  I was right!  Please note that this is all pure speculation, and I have no idea what I’m talking about.

But it’s also all true.

Games to increase to $80

Why?  Because they can, and it will make you angry.  “I can’t believe the prices are going to be that expensive!” Timmy says.  Well, buck up, Timmy, because Microsoft is after one thing: Your money.  Did you know that for every 85 cents per month they swindle from their customers, they get to claim a $350 tax write-off?  I didn’t even know that until just now.  Just think: Next year, the government will be paying for Microsoft.

Xbox Live to offer a $800/month Super Ultra Double Secret Ruby Platinum™ subscription

This new premium tier of service caters to the ultra-rich members of society, offering several attractive benefits, including Auto Purchase, which automatically purchases games for your Live account without any input from the user.  Or how about the new Throw Away MS Points system, where at random, your account will remove all MS Points from your account and ship them to Malaysia?  The possibilities are literally limitless.  Bill Gates didn’t have this to say: “We’ve been receiving customer requests for more useless, completely stupid stuff that they’d never ask for themselves.  We figure after ESPN3, anything is possible.”  He then cracked the whip on slaving developers in the background, turned back and grinned, adjusting his glasses.  "I don't even work here anymore; I do this for fun!"

Says Jeremy, 38: “You know, I didn’t mind all these features added to Xbox Live until they had the gall to ask me for another 85 cents a month eight years later.  Can you believe that?”  Jeremy spits on the ground.  “Xbox Live is terrible.  It would have been better if it’d remained stagnant and unchanging since 2002.  THAT’S real value.”

New 360 “Slim” Model Will Delete Save Games

And honestly, what better way can you think of to waste your time than re-playing your games after your Xbox decides to arbitrarily clear some space on the hard drive?  “I went through the first forty hours of Final Fantasy last week, and this morning, my save games were all gone!” Jimmy, 27, recounts with a grin.  “Now I’m going to have to start from the beginning all… over… again.”  He wipes a tear from his left eye, no doubt from utter joy. "Awesome.” 

Quest-enabled games will also now randomly drop quest items into a black hole right before you turn in items for said quest, making you gnash your teeth and curse loudly.  Player feedback has been positively negative during beta testing.  And this feature is free of charge! 

Microsoft wants to make sure that this new transitional phase to Tyrannical Dread Blood Overlord of Misery goes through without a hitch, and it’s shaping up to be a terrible future.  I can’t wait!