Editor's note: Youch! Travis tears the Lost game (and its developers) several new ones in hilarious ways. Read it before watching the finale tonight! -Shoe

I’m writing this on May 22, 2010, the day before the series finale of Lost -- one of television’s most popular shows ever. If you’re a fan, you’re probably at least a little concerned that this final episode might not answer all of your questions, include all your favorite characters, or feature Sawyer with his shirt off.

The collective fears of Lost fans around the world can be summed up in one word: disappointment. It’s my intent to assuage those fears by way of relativism; that is to say, it could be far worse -- you could be one of the unlucky few to have played Lost: Via Domus.

Before we go any further, bear in mind that the producers of Lost have confirmed via a podcast that the events of Lost: Via Domus are strictly non-canon. That’s right -- in the completely made-up Lost universe, Via Domus is still considered pretend. Also in the way of preamble, Ubisoft Montreal developed the game. I’d love to make fun of Ubisoft for their poor design choices -- I really would -- but I don’t feel right about it. You know how it’s considered crass to make fun of a mentally handicapped person? Having witnessed the shitty quality of their shovelware, I’m beginning to think the same rules should apply to Ubisoft.

Pictured: Party Babyz. Great effort, guys!

In the Lost game, you play as Elliott Maslow, a photographer with a shady past. You may not recognize the name; that’s because he’s never appeared in or been referenced to in any episode of of the show. Ubisoft, the company I referred to as being comparable to a mentally handicapped person in the previous paragraph, acquired the rights to Lost for a video game and decided to include the series’ main characters as little as possible.

Not only do you play as a nobody, but most of the game takes place in his flashbacks. That means the characters and relationships you see throughout have about as much bearing on Lost as an episode of Full House.

Take a look at the box art below. Notice anything? You’ve got 14 characters from the TV show and zero playable in-game characters. It almost looks like the powers-that-be at Ubisoft realized they’d produced a turd and tried to push their branding in order to compensate. Either that, or they took a bunch of promotional stills of the cast and hastily photoshopped them together at the last minute. I’m guessing it was the latter.

Not pictured: The main character, anyone related to the main character, a good game...

Via Domus is set sometime during the third season of the television series, so most of The Island’s mysteries are still fully intact. For instance, the Dharma Initiative is still creepy, we’ve never even heard of the Temple, and Locke is still plain, ol' Locke. Speaking of whom, apparently due to some crossed lines up in Montreal, a Native American dude voiced John Locke. Apart from the handful of main cast members who lent their voices to the game, the acting is universally bad with Locke being the worst. Observe.

This same dedication to quality and detail is applied to the rest of the game as well. I can’t really place Lost: Via Domus into a traditional video game genre. You control Elliott (the main character -- it bears repeating as he’s completely forgettable) from a third-person perspective, but he doesn't do any platforming, and you don’t get a gun until the last half hour of the game. In fact, if you follow a walkthrough, you can beat the game with all Achievements having fired no more than four shots. Four. I guess if I had to categorize it, I might call it a tropical hiking simulation.

I fully agree with the design choice of ditching any sort of head's-up display. The game literally gives you nothing to keep track of.

I’ve played a lot of video games, many of which were shitty, but this thing is an affront to fandom. Lost: Via Domus harkens back to a simpler time in gaming, back when every licensed game, usually from Acclaim, was guaranteed to suck. If this were 1992 I wouldn’t be writing this diatribe, but in the new Willennium (never forget) gamers have come to expect a little more -- even from licensed games.

Given infinite time, money, and resources, I think I could make an incredible Lost game. Given an exotic virus, three Discovery Zone tokens, and only the use of my left hand, I’d make Via Domus. I understand the development team was probably given very strict rules regarding the plot, a short timetable with which to produce the final product, and probably very little cash considering it was made in Montreal. But if they didn’t get Ebola during the development cycle, they’ve got a piss-poor excuse.

In summation, after you’ve watched Lost’s finale episode, you can rest assured that the most disappointing entry into the show’s mythology is still Via Domus. Even if it was just some kid’s snow globe the whole time.

This reference is really just a litmus test to gauge the average age of Bitmob’s readers.

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