The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword has some of the nicest visuals of any Wii game to date. It's kind of odd then that this version also features some of the ugliest characters in the entire Zelda series. That's saying a lot, considering I'm talking about the same franchise that gave us Tingle.

Here are some revolting entities that Link encounters during the first few hours of his adventure.

Cawlin and Strich.

These two assholes are loyal followers of Groose, a big bully that constantly harasses Link. Cawlin is often seen massaging Groose, which leads me to think that he might be...you know...a masseuse. Strich looks like a used cotton swab, but at least he's cool to Link when Groose isn't around.

Knight Academy's lunch lady...man?

Old people look like crap in Skyward Sword, so perhaps the lunch lady is a horrible preview of what Zelda will look like in 200 years. I don't want this old prune anywhere near my food.

Potion shop family.

The couple that gets high together...breeds hideously-misshapen offspring together. The devil-like wife sells all kinds of potions to Link, and the dorky husband adds an extra umph to them. The baby is only there to be annoying.

The village idiot.

You would waste away in a bar too if you looked like this guy. Having obvious hormonal problems, the village idiot drowns his sorrows in liquor from 8:00 a.m. to 7:59 a.m. every goddamned day.

Item shop owner.

The item shop owner is a nervous wreck. He can't even stand still for a second. He smiles too much, talks too fast, and acts like a jerk when Link refuses to buy something from him. I hate giving this greedy salesman my rupees, but where else am I going to get a shield?

Jakamar, the handyman.

Damn...just look at this guy. He looks like a cross between Joe Camel and Yak Face. Besides having a fabulous sense of style, Jakamar doesn't seem to give a f**k about anything else. He won't even look for his daughter when she gets kidnapped by a demon. What a douchebag.

Pumm, owner of the Lumpy Pumpkin.

Pumm fits every description of a serial killer, but even that didn't stop me from being a complete jerk to him. When the tavern's administrator specifically asked me not to mess with his priceless chandelier, I immediately rolled against a wall, smashed the candelabrum into a table full of customers, and stole every rupee that came out of it. Ha, ha, ha....

Gully, the special needs child.

Some people say that all children are beautiful, but not even his glaucoma-ridden granny could call Gully that. It would take around 1,500 Pikmin to carry this kid's unfortunately-shaped head into Captain Olimar's spaceship.

Mia, Zelda's pet cat-thing.

Not even animals are safe from Skyloft's repulsiveness curse. During the day, Zelda's pet is cute and cuddly, but at night it turns into a savage, blood-thirsty beast. I actually think it's less repugnant when the sun goes down.

Dodoh, Fun Fun Island's sole inhabitant.

The only thing I hate more than clowns is sad clowns. The first time I met Dodoh, he was all jolly and hyper. Then he was sulking and wouldn't even tell me what the matter was. Screw you, mutant, I don't have time to make clowns happy when Zelda's life is in danger.

The fortune teller.

Finally, we have the bazaar's fortune teller. Holy shit. This guy's got "rape" written all over his chubby face. What makes this clairvoyant so disturbing? Is it the impossibly large eyes, the chin (or lack of one), or the tiny mustache? I'll tell you what creeps me out the most....his penetrating stare.

The fortune teller...

is always watching.