Editor's note: We were fully in the grip of E3 when this mock profile of Mario was first posted, so we totally missed it -- in case you did, too, we're promoting it now. (Oh, and if any lawyers are reading and it's not already completely clear, this is a parody.) -Demian

I'm standing at the intersection of Warp Pipe and Vine, and I can hear the subject of my latest interview before I see him. About a block away, I can hear his 150 cc golden car power slide through a red light, and the characteristic slot machine sound of a power up queuing up as he bowls through an Item Box. He skids to a halt directly in front of me as I jump back from the curb.

"Get the fuck in, I got a Golden Mushroom here, and we got to let the lead out." The attitude is betrayed by a singsong farce of an Italian accent.

I jump into the back seat and with a "Let's a-go!" we are gone with a perfectly timed starter boost.

For better or worse, this is a day in the life of videogames' most famous character, Mario.

***

We're five minutes into our meeting, and already I am shocked by the legend. He is joined by Toad, a key member of his entourage who adds nothing to conversation other than to emphasize Mario's statements in his whiskey thick voice.

"Hope you don't mind," says Mario, "but we got some bitches we want to roll up on."

"Roll up on some bitches," echoes Toad.

No sooner than said, we stop at a quaint bistro overlooking the ocean, a locale that has featured some of Mario's greatest adventures. Without a word, he jumps out of his car, and strides confidently up to a group of goombas drinking coffee in the early morning sunlight. Without hesitation, Mario viciously jumps on all their heads, and kicks one far out into the ocean.

"Bitches!" he yells at the mostly unconscious group.

He pulls out, cutting off a car that appears to be piloted by Daisy. She gives us the finger, but Mario is oblivious. He's smoothing his moustache in the rear-view mirror as the car accelerates to a frightening speed.

"Was that Daisy?" I ask.

"I hope not," says Mario. "I'm behind in alimony."

***

Mario hardly needs an introduction. Since he burst on the scene as Jump Man, he has appeared in literally hundreds of games, sometimes in a cameo role, more often as the star.

"Everyone wants me," he says "It's a-me, Mario. Of course they do!"

Regardless of his boasting, it's true. Once his chubby, mustachioed face graces a game box, sales are guaranteed. Whether it's a true Mario game, a sports title, or a fighting game, Mario has done it all, providing some of the best games the industry has ever seen.

While one may think that it's hard work, Mario dismisses his accomplishments. "I just dial it in, brother. Those Nintendo nerds never want anything new. I jump on some losers, get some gold coins, it's all good."

"We get paid mad cash," says Toad.

"People just want me, that's all, and who am I to keep the people from what they want. Everyone wants a piece of Mario."

While new games designed for casual gamers and motion control are widely cited as the key to success for Nintendo's latest console, Mario waves off such claims.

"It's me, I tell you. Who else can sell a million of a console named after their dick?" He high fives Toad.

"Really?" I ask.

"Yeah. I wanted to call it ‘Big White Italian Stallion Cock,' but we settled on ‘Wii.' Everyone wants Mario's Wii!" Another high five.

***

If the mascot's abrasive, self-indulgent, and ego-maniacal personality is a surprise, you should have seen it coming. What else can you expect from a videogame character who collects gold coins for a living?

"Cash is old," states Mario as he parks in a handicapped space next to an expensive boutique. "I got those jackasses at Nintendo to put some bling in my games. Stars, shine sprites, I am loaded with ice."

"Motherfucker can't get through airport security," says Toad, nodding.

"Truth," says Mario as he gets out of his car.

The three of us enter the Toad House, an establishment owned by one of Toad's cousins. "I used to run it, but I busted out when we starting hauling down the bills," says Toad in a remarkably independent statement.

In the boutique are three treasure chests. Mario ponders each silently until he picks the middle one.

It opens to reveal a Hammer Bros. suit.

"Fuckin' A," says Mario. He tosses a collection of gold coins on the floor. "Keep the tip."

***

Members of the Mario franchise have plenty to say about the superstar. Perennially in his shadow, brother Luigi simply shakes his head at the mention of his brother.

"All gone to his head, it's so hard to work with him these days. It's all about power ups, gold coins, or whatever collectible they come out with next."

Indeed, on the set of Super Mario Galaxy, Mario's latest franchise game, the brothers experienced a schism that may not be repairable.

"His attitude, what a diva. He never showed up on time, he was often drunk, arguing with the director about what power ups go on what level...I couldn't handle it."

Indeed, the two were meant to co-star in the production, but Luigi nearly pulled out after all the drama. He stayed on as a secret character, and shared only a few scenes with his brother. Scenes that, Luigi claims, were fraught with tension, and communication between the brothers was limited to the script.

Mario waves off such claims, as he does with all criticism. "That little shit is just jealous. The only change to the game was on his part. I saved him in the first half, and he was supposed to save me in the second half. I ain't about to have that shit goin' on, so I said ‘That bitch is just going to have to save himself'. And you know what, that's what he had to do!" Mario and Toad both let loose a humorless laugh.

"Bitch," says Toad simply.

***

Similar attitudes are found amongst all of Mario's old friends. Princess Peach mutters "cheating bastard," and will say nothing else on the record. Donkey Kong says the star won't return his calls. Wario shakes he head wordlessly at the name.

But this doesn't affect Mario at all, at least during our daily excursion. However, the night life reveals the obnoxious star deals with a set demons as nasty as Bowser himself.

I spend the evening in the corner of a dance club, watching as Mario and Toad weave their way amongst goombas, toadettes, and variety of princesses. By the end of the night, both are covered in fawning females, a couple in each arm. Mario motions to me to "take my pick," but I shake my head, as my protests go unheard under the booming DJ Tiesto remix of the original Mario theme that has the club bouncing.

He motions for his harem to wait, and he sits down with me.

"Impressed?" he slurs drunkenly.

"Surprised," I say.

Mario leans back in his chair, his eyes trying hard to focus. "Sometimes," he starts slowly. "I wish it were back in the day, back when I was just Mario from the POW Block."

He turns to me and grabs the lapels of my jacket. "Don't write anything bad. I miss them. I just want to keep it real. Don't sell a brother out. I'm gonna be good again, and we're gonna have adventures, and we're gonna ass pound some fuckin' goombas, like in the old days. We'll bring out a New ‘New Super Mario Bros.' On the Wii, man. No fucking around. We'll do four player action, and we'll work together!" Tears are swimming in his eyes, and he sniffles loudly.

He wipes his nose on his sleeve and teeters back and forth. He turns to me as if he had just said nothing. He gives me a wink and tosses his head to the ladies waiting for them.

"Tonight I'm gonna bust out the Tanooki suit and bitches are going to get some casual gameplay on the Wii. Hook my GBA up to their Gamecubes, you know what I'm saying?"

He gives his mushroom medallion a spin, flashes a smile filled with gold teeth and returns to the vapid women who will be forgotten tomorrow like so many Virtual Console releases.

Except the ones that feature Mario, of course.

Author's Note:

It was all a dream
I used to read EGM Magazine
Mario and Lara Croft up in the limousine