Does the Earth have a board of math governors or something? Because it’s long past the point where EA’s football game should have joined The Golden Ratio, Euler’s number, and pi as one of the universe’s unchanging constants. I’m pretty sure they’re going to add a “Madden” button to the next line of TI-83 scientific calculators. 

The clockwork-like schedule is even more certain than actual football. When fans of the league were facing the possibility of a fall without professional leatherheads due to the lockout, most found consolation in the fact that their team would still be playing in the virtual stadiums of Madden NFL 12. Which got me thinking: Could we live with only the digital facsimile of our nation’s most popular sport?

To break it down, I’ve come up with three reasons that Madden is better than watching the NFL and three more that it isn’t.  

Three reasons that Madden NFL 12 is better than real football:

Your team always wins the Super Bowl.
My favorite team, the Detroit Lions, has never been to a Super Bowl. Wait, scratch that -- my Lions have won the last 28 Super Bowls. That’s right. With my skills, and the opponents' A.I. set to extra dumb, I have taken my beloved boys in the Honolulu Blue to nearly three consecutive decades of world championships. It’s pretty great, and Madden 12’s expanded Franchise Mode makes every win sweeter than the last. Signing free agents and scouting for rookies finally make things interesting off the field. I just hope next year's edition includes a police blotter so that fans of the Cincinnati Bengals will have something to do.

Every day is gameday.
Life is too short to wait for anything, so why does NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell insist on delaying my sweet pigskin heaven for days at a time? Tuesdays are the worst -- without the dulcet tones of Al Michaels calling a big game, I may as well be dead. Thankfully, EA’s sports sim is a successful counter to Goodell’s fascist ways. Football on Tuesday, Wednesday, and after all the other games on Sunday is not only possible, it’s inevitable. Developer EA Tiburon improved the presentation so much that I often forget I'm not watching a real game. Sure, the audio commentary is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but everything else, from the animated transitions to the camera angles, is spot on.

Save tons of money you would otherwise lose gambling.
Man, my bills-to-income ratio is looking pretty grim. In the past, I would solve this problem with a quick trip to my bookie and a large bets on my favorite teams. That would usually dig the hole even deeper and put my knee caps in a very precarious position with Mr. Daisies, my “financial backer.” Thankfully, this year is different. I’ve been playing way too much of Madden’s improved Ultimate Team mode to find the time to bet that the Dolphins will beat the Patriots. Competing against other players to win points that I can cash in for better cards is addictive. If you aren’t savvy, Ultimate Team is basically football the collectible card game. More valuable players are represented by rarer cards, and making the best team means assembling the best deck. It’s like Magic: The Gathering for people who used to beat me up for talking too much about Magic: The Gathering.

Not everything is a bundle of puppies. Some things are a bundle of puppies waiting to be adopted by Michael Vick.

Here are three reasons that Madden isn’t always better:

All enjoyment is sucked out of winning.
Since I wrote that earlier paragraph about how always winning is so great, I’ve won another 30 Super Bowls. I’m numb to everything. I witnessed a newborn deer take its first steps, and it did nothing for me. Ice cream tastes like dust. The real Lions won their first game of the season. I thought something was stirring within me, but it was just gas from the box of Choco Tacos that I ate. Maybe I could try losing a game, but the emotional pins and needles that would flush my system would probably kill me.

Say goodbye to your significant other.
Yes, the game is more realistic thanks to the new TV presentation. It's like watching football seven days a week for 11 hours a day...and that’s what she didn’t like. Apparently, loving my girlfriend on the non-sports days was the only thing keeping her around. Apparently, she didn't think that naming my wide receiver after her in Superstar Mode was enough. She’s decided to move back in with her mother. If I could feel anything, I’m sure the loneliness would be very painful.

Lose tons of money trying to build an ultimate team.
I didn't realize this earlier, but I can use real money to buy Legendary Player booster packs in the Ultimate Team mode. Damn it. I just want Barry Sanders! He’s always on the icon for the premium pack, but I never get him. Do I look like I want another Thurman Thomas card? Time to buy a few hundred more Microsoft Points. That reminds me, can you spot me a Franklin? I’ll hit you back on the first of the month. I swear.