The times when I find myself thankful that I still work in a restaurant are few and far between. Rarely can I pinpoint those exact moments, but I’m more than certain that Monday, April 18 at 9 A.M. sharp will be one of them. Why, you ask, would I find myself grateful that I work every Monday night doing the same thing I did in high school, despite the fact that I now have a college degree? The answer is simple: early access to the Gears of War 3 Multiplayer Beta starts at that time, and I think it’s the perfect way to start my week.

This Carmine might be tough to kill...

GoW’s multiplayer component has always been a bit…quirky. In grand moments of frustration, after getting bashed and blown into giblets by an enemy who I swore I had pumped a thousand rounds into, I often make this unforgiving analogy: Playing Halo’s multiplayer is so intuitive, so smooth and refined, that it’s like driving a brand new sports car. Gears, on the other hand, sometimes feels like trying to drive a fully-loaded, rusty garbage truck with no breaks or power steering that’s dropped its transmission three miles behind you.

I know, not much of a convincing argument to draw people into the Beta, but trust me – this is something you don’t want to miss. Not included on the list is the fact that it’s free! Didn’t buy Bulletstorm? Go plunk down $5 at GameStop and get your beta code! If you don’t like what you see, just transfer the credit over to Modern Warfare 3, you scrub!

Can I strangle someone with that clothesline?

1. It’s a perfect opportunity for newcomers to jump in.

We’ve all been there. You try to pick up a new shooter, be it a Call of Duty or Halo title, and you find that the multiplayer is driving you insane. Not only have seemingly all the other players unlocked all of the weapons, armor and perks, but they know how to use them at maximum efficiency. They know where all the weapon spawns are and the shortest paths to get from A to B. It only takes a few games to realize that you never had a chance.

A public beta is the perfect way to get an edge up on the competition. You’ll get to see the new maps before everyone else, try out the new weapons and familiarize yourself with the controls. Now you’ll be the one pissing everybody else off with your insane KDR on Day 1. And trust me, if you’ve never played Gears MP before, you’re going to need the extra time to figure out just what in the Locust Queen’s Good Grace wallbouncing is.

Sure it's pretty now! Just wait until the hail starts!

2. Out with the old maps, in with the new!

This is one for the Gears veterans. We all know how fun it is to perfect your battle plan for any given map. My fellow COGS and I have Jacinto down to a science. Sprint to the middle and lay down suppressing fire on the power weapon spawn. One person goes below and grabs mortar while another supports. One plants proximity grenades. Yes, it’s fun to sweep the other team, but even flawless victories can grow stale after a while – and that’s on the fun maps.

 I swear on my eternal soul, if I have to play Hail one more time, I’m cutting a finger off. There’s nothing like trying to escape the deadly ice shards and finding yourself inexplicably stuck behind cover because, well, that’s how Gears works sometimes. But with new maps like Trenches and Old Town, we can all get a fresh start!

I hope it's just plating, or that barrel's going to melt pretty quick.

3. Oh, the unlockables!

Did you ever wonder why everyone’s multiplayer avatar looks cooler than yours? Why does that kid’s Noble 6 have a flaming helmet? Why does that Marcus or Dom over there have a gold-plated Lancer? Well, they pre-ordered the games. Kind of underwhelming when you think about it, right? Epic Games realized that. This time around, you’ll have to earn your unlockables. You’re going to have to play a lot of matches and earn a lot of kills if you want that golden Lancer. You’ll also have the opportunity to get some flaming weapons, as well. The best part? They carry over to the retail version of the game, and the beta is the only way you can get them.

Some of the unlocks are easy, like playing one match on a certain day. Others, like the lancer, are a bit tougher. You have to play 90 matches to unlock it for the beta, and then get 100 kills with it for it to carry over for the full game. Don't know how I'm going to find the time or skill for that, but I guess we'll see!

Never again!

4. Dedicated Servers for the masses!

This generally isn’t a problem in online shooters, but for Gears it’s always been a bit of a deal-breaker. Sure, you might experience an interrupt or two during the odd Halo: Reach match, but there’s nothing like having a +10 KDR in a match when you get everyone’s favorite message: “Connection to the host has been lost.” On top of that, before the half-dozen title updates you could make a Taco run in the time it took to find a match. It seems as though Epic’s finally caught on, as they’re introducing dedicated servers this time around. Finally we’ll be able to move beyond two matches per hour!

While supplies last. Hah!

5. Admit it – it’s the real reason why you bought Bulletstorm, isn’t it?

Sure, Bulletstorm was fun. The dialogue might have been vulgar and more than slightly immature, but it was hilarious and managed not to wear out its welcome. Whipping and kicking your way through endless hordes of mutants with your four-barreled shotgun was nice for a change, but plunking down $60 on a new IP can be tough sometimes – at least PCF and Epic decided to sweeten the pot with an extra week of beta access. After that, it’s off to the trade bin with you, Bulletstorm!

If you're the one person who bought Bulletstorm just because you thought it'd be cool, you owe it to yourself to take advantage of your exclusive opportunity!

Are any of you guys going to be playing? Let’s exchange gamertags and play a match or two!