Alan Wake is blowing up. The PC version of his first game already made back all of its development costs, and his Xbox Live Arcade semi-sequel, American Nightmare, inspired Bitmob’s own Evan Killham to think about which other genres the series could tackle. That means there’s only one logical next step for a character on such an impressive career trajectory: a movie. But who could handle the immense pressure of actually writing one? I don’t know, probably Orci and Kurtzman ... but we don’t have their number.

So I guess I’ll do it.

The first thing we need is a basic premise. We've already got a great hero in Alan Wake himself, a world-famous writer known for a series of detective novels who has recently taken up being trapped in a terrible shadow universe where he must battle a mysterious Dark Presence that has the ability to alter reality based on the things he writes. This is pretty straightforward stuff that has lots of room for interesting stories.

Now, the relationship between the protagonist and antagonist in any story, whether it’s a video game movie or a boring regular movie, is always very important. Remember Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever? That’s what that whole thing was about ... I assume. I don't know, I didn't see it. Actually, I don’t think anybody saw it ... but my Alan Wake movie will be different. Why? Because I have a damn good plan for it. 

Here’s what I’m thinking: In the original game, Wake's final novel details the death off his most famous character, a hardboiled badass named Alex Casey. What if, in the movie, the Dark Presence brought Alex Casey to life, and Wake had to literally kill him off? The creator versus his creation! Think of the dramatic depth ... it’s like Wake is some kind of modern Prometheus and Casey is the monster he brought into the world. Why has no one ever thought of something like that before? It’s brilliant! 

With that stuff in place, we need to work on getting this thing made. Movies based on video games are probably a hard sell in Hollywood these days, especially since Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time failed to win a single Oscar (seriously!), so I think the best way to get the attention of some kind of major studio fat cat is by getting a high-profile actor attached. Alan Wake needs to be played by a recognizable face who is famous (but not too famous) and who can handle the emotional weight of a tortured artist facing all of the darkness in the world.

Obviously, we’re all thinking the same thing: Donnie Wahlberg. There’s nobody more awesome than a former New Kid On The Block, and I don’t feel like looking up whether or not the others became actors (or if they’re still alive), so Donnie it is.

We have our Alan Wake!

But what about the antagonist? Well, if we can take another step back to the original Alan Wake video game, I’ll be able to show you how I came up with the perfect actor for this. See, Alex Casey is loosely based on Max Payne, the main character from an eponymous series of action games developed by Remedy Entertainment, the same folks behind Alan Wake. Why is this important? Because they already made a movie based on Max Payne, so it only makes sense to have the same actor appear in the movie I’m making. Who is that actor? Donnie’s brother, Marky Mark Wahlberg. 

Just picture it: Alan Wake versus Max Payne/Alex Casey and Donnie Wahlberg versus Mark Wahlberg.

Chills, right? This is already the most exciting movie I’ve ever seen, and it hasn’t even been made yet.

With our leading men on board, the rest of the movie writes itself....

 
Alex Casey/Max Payne: “My wife is dead!”

Alan Wake: “My wife thinks I'm dead!”

Casey/Payne: “I’m angry all the time.”

Wake: “I’m actually kind of easygoing, considering the crazy shit that happens to me.”

Casey/Payne: “This isn’t over, Wake! You can’t escape from me. I’ll be seeing you again.”

Wake: “Yeah...on the Best Seller list!”

 
Explosion: "BOOM"

Also, Alan Wake's best friend and agent, Barry Wheeler, will be played by Kevin James:

Wait until you see him fall down. It's hilarious!

You should probably start lining up at your local movie theater now. This thing is gonna be pretty huge. As a special treat, here's the final poster design, perfectly suitable for hanging in your living room or personal art gallery:

Special thanks to Evan Killham and Industrial Samir Torres and Magic.