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One thing I've never wondered about the Pokémon Bulbasaur is where its vines come from. Busted Tees artist Ryan Mauskopf, on the other hand, has created anatomical charts for the original Pokémon characters that leave nothing to the imagination ... including where Bulbasaur's vines are [via Technabob].

RIght now, Mauskopf only has designs for Squirtle, Charmander, and Bulbasaur, but he plans to release a Pikachu design in the near future. Busted Tees sells each shirt for $20. I'm not sure how interested I am in these, though, since I think wearing them makes you look like a mad Pokémon butcher.

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I’ve been meaning to write something for Bitmob for months now. Perhaps a discussion of immersion, a critique of live systems, maybe some reviews. A lot of things have been brewing in my mind, but with this new Pokémon Black & Blue game that PETA released last week, I am enraged and finally motivated to speak out.

I never thought much of PETA before. Yeah, the group’s intentions are good, but I don’t personally support much of what they’re doing (at least not to the point of actually pledging support). But now, I might just hate them forever.

If you haven’t heard, Pokémon Black & Blue (hereafter PB&B) is a parody game that PETA released to coincide with the launch of Black 2 and White 2 last weekend. The player controls several abused Pokémon in battle against their former masters with equal parts civil disobedience and over-the-top comic violence.

Offensive, ignorant, and ill-conceived, this mockery of a game is a half-hearted attempt to portray Pokémon as something that it absolutely is not.

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It’s tough to get motivated to exercise sometimes. If I’m honest with myself, I’d really rather get in one more League of Legends match than go outside and punish my body by jogging.

Exercise is healthy, though, and an hour or so of intense physical activity each week isn’t such a huge sacrifice. I may grumble and groan about it when I’m putting on my gym shoes, but I feel better mentally and physically when I run.

Unlike hobbies like soccer or skiing, video gaming doesn’t have an inherent active component, but there is a way we can bring a piece of our pastime with us while we’re exercising. I’m a huge fan of video game music, and I’ve recently discovered that a lot of it makes for great running fodder.

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I was always terrible at Dr. Mario, as I am at most puzzle games. I can only watch in envy as a player named Sabo creates one of the most ridiculous feats of gaming I've ever seen, filling up almost the entire screen full of pills and swiftly destroying them all with one ridiculous chain.

Of course, medically speaking, this is a horrible way to treat a patient, Mario. That poor person has to overdose at some point. Anyway, watch for yourself after the break.

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Apparently, a few of my tips from last time didn’t work out so well. Something about readers being sent to prison, hoping that I die in a fire, and some nonsense about "dropping the soap" or whatever. On the positive side, I’ve received a few letters from gracious fans that detail how much they’ve learned in prison and exactly what they want to do to my genitalia once they get out. You know, they actually seem kind of hostile now that I think about it.

But fear not (incarcerated) fans, for I have not forsaken you! I bring good news; I have taken pity upon your pathetic state and have decided to help you out once again. Aren’t I just the nicest person? Anyway, let The Gaming School of Prison Survival commence.

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Dead or Alive 5 is clearly a direct response to the oft-pondered question, "Is gaming art?"

By casually asking the player to choose between absurdly revealing outfits and regularly revealing outfits, DOA 5's game designers force the player to reveal the true natures of his or her id state. The contemporary character-select screen, which has always tapped into our Jungian archetypes, suddenly takes on a decidedly more Freudian slant.

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I noticed the dancing bear warrior appeared to be ... ahem, flopping around. I easily defeated the Grizzled Boor in Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery EP, the point-and-click adventure game for iPad. But I was definitely distracted during our battle.

I couldn’t help but stare at his crotch. I thought, “Dude, that’s totally his junk hanging out.” To be sure, I asked Nathan Vella, co-founder and president of developer CAPY Games, and he confirmed my suspicion.

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The Community Spotlight features some of the best unedited articles that didn't quite make the front page. This week, we move on from a venerable series, wonder if Halo 4 is in the right developers' hands, promote people, and more. Mix your herbs and read on.

Why I'm moving on from Resident Evil games
By Avery Tingle

After playing the demo of Resident Evil 6, Avery was less than impressed. "Resident Evil is starting to feel like the Madden version of the survival horror genre," Avery writes, "a series of just-enough small tweaks and minor improvements with a new number slapped on."

Falling into the wrong hands (possibly)
By Jesse Meixsell

No, this isn't about the news of a Halo 4 leak. Jesse's concerned that Halo 4 was in trouble much earlier, when original developers Bungie handed the reins over to 343 Industries. Jesse looks at similar circumstances in other series...and their mixed results.

People promotion in a faceless world
By Aaron Davies

"Does gaming have a face?" Aaron asks. "Who are the people that most video game fans recognize and relate to?" Aaron argues that it's important for gaming fans to have a real person to identify and associate with a brand. Do you agree?

Microsoft doesn't want free advertising for Halo 4
By Alexander Kraus

Microsoft has rolled out new content policies that prevent fans from uploading their in-game creations to websites like YouTube. And that doesn't make sense to Alexander. "I'm sure the numerous content creators out there will be glad to not give you any free advertising for your games, Microsoft," he writes.

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Resident Evil 6 makes me weep. The series that used to haunt my dreams as a kid is long gone, and something sort of like Gears of War took its place. Amusingly, I’ve tried forcing my way through RE6’s campaigns at least six times at this point, but I always throw my controller aside in frustration.

Why? Because the series gave up on trapping players in labyrinthian monster factories and started imprisoning them in unskippable cinematic sequences and perpetual quick-time events. The scary’s gone, and the disjointed action game that remains just isn’t cutting it.

You can blame several factors for this, like the creator of the original game (Shinji Mikami) leaving Capcom, the fact that over 20 different studios worked on this project, or you can adhere to the misguided belief that Japanese developers just don’t get Western audiences. The real reason is that the franchise is too old and too nebulous to support itself anymore.

We need a reboot, preferably one that breaks away from all the crap mechanics recent developers have “expanded” since Resident Evil 4. Ideally, the team that made Resident Evil: Revelations would take over the series, drop the numbers and home console support, and evolve RE into a portable horror experience.

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This is basically what happened to me when I watched the Mantis trailer for Halo 4. I was pretty much excited watching how cool that vehicle/mech is going to be, and then -- at the end of said trailer -- I was reminded of the shitty behavior the online gaming community is well known for.

And this just happened on the same week that David Vargas, the "Pictureman" behind the Adventures of Dave the Direman, asked me to do a guest strip for them.

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Make no mistake, this is a rant article. Many of my arguments are commonly discussed, but I feel the need to wrap it all up in one nice package to properly present the results of purposefully unbalanced game design. 

The danger of unbalanced design first came to my attention while in a public development discussion in my America's Army days. We were having a standard back-and-forth about feature ideas and requests, but one guy was obviously going on a "We should make it like Counter Strike" rant, so I served him up a rant in return about why that is a great example of unbalanced design. Now, before I lose you, I fully understand why people play Counter Strike and have a jolly ol' time with it. Even I blew many hours on it when I was in college.

But that doesn't make it a balanced game. For one, the team that wins the starting match has a large advantage since winning teams get more money each round and can afford better weapons, giving them better chances of winning again. The guy's response to that was something along the lines of, “Well, you shouldn't lose the first match.” 

Before that, I had taken all of his comments as fair opinion, but that is where the realization came in that not only did he actually prefer an unbalanced and not particularly "fair" game, but also that he had no idea why.

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"You hammer the buttons and wiggle the sticks!" So proclaims this clever song, humorously mocking Resident Evil 6's reliance on dated quick-time events. I mean, you know a game's controls are frustrating when they inspire an entire musical number.

As someone who loved Resident Evil 4 (and tolerated Resident Evil 5), I'm a bit sad to see the franchise basically become a joke. Still, at least it's a funny one. Now let's all laugh at the funny video after the jump!

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