I’ve been playing the Gears of War 3 beta for the past couple of days, having a blast chainsawing people and making my team lose. I was never into the multiplayer modes of the previous games (except for co-op), but seeing as how this is the last game in the series I wanted to try to spend a little more time with it and see what it has to offer. As I’ve been playing the beta, I’ve actually started to understand myself a little bit better.

The first thing is no surprise: if you tell me something is limited, I want it. Part of why I wanted in on the beta in the first place was so I could unlock the special characters and weapons available only to those who completed certain tasks in the beta. I’m playing like a madman trying to get this stuff. Unfortunately, as I got beta access by pre-ordering Gears of War 3 and not by purchasing the Epic Edition of Bulletstorm, I missed out on week one of the beta and thus I can never obtain the flaming Hammerburst weapon. You have NO IDEA how much that is going to haunt me.

The other thing I learned about myself I actually figured out while showering this morning. I’ve never been good at multiplayer shooters, first- or third-person. I was never able to figure out why; my reflexes were fine (I’m pretty good at competitive Street Fighter), but whenever it came down to me and another person one-on-one I’d lose damn near every time.

While playing the beta and getting accustomed to how multiplayer Gears functions, I was trying to teach myself how to use the sawed-off shotgun since it’s extremely powerful at close range. My first few matches I tried going to my Lancer’s chainsaw attack at close range and every time my opponent would blow me in half with a shotgun. It seemed like I needed to start fighting fire with fire.

Every time it came down to me and another player dueling with shotguns I would lose. I’d fire, they’d fire, and my character’s torso would explode into a sickening shower of viscera and limbs while they walked away unscathed. What was I doing wrong?

Then I figured it out replaying my latest match in my head: for some reason, at close range, I always aim down. They’d aim up, towards my character’s head. I’d aim down at their feet. Why did I do that? It’s a horrible strategy. I didn’t do it on purpose. Why did my aim always drop in close quarters?

I came to the conclusion that it stems from my real life social anxiety. Hear me out.

Online gaming is something that’s never captivated me the way it has most people. Sure, I’ve loved hopping online with friends and playing, but doing random matches has always been super intimidating. I never understood how people could put on a headset and play online, talking trash to people they didn’t know like it was no big deal.

I realized several months ago that part of my issue was that my Gamertag had my first name in it, and even though I have the most generic first name in the world (c’mon, it’s a synonym for “average”) it still made my crazy brain think that those people knew who I was when I didn’t know who they were. I changed my Gamertag and that problem seems to have subsided, mostly.

In real life, I have a hard time looking people in the eye. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a kid. Looking people in the eye makes me extremely uncomfortable, even if the person is friendly. I think part of it was to do with my physical stature, as I’m pretty short (unfortunately, 5’7” doesn’t qualify as “average height” anymore) so most people are taller than me. I also look pretty young for my age, so I usually wind up seeing people who are younger than I am, yet are taller and look older. I know it’s a stupid thing to be weirded out over, but my brain has its own unique flavor of crazy that I have to deal with.

So how does this translate into me sucking it up in Gears 3?

I think it’s because when I see another player I don’t see their avatar. I know that’s another person. My crazy brain starts getting intimidated by them, thinking they’re bigger, better and tougher than me, and I back down a bit. I can’t aim high because then I’m face to face with them. That gives them an undeniable edge.

Even though it’s something that’s completely involuntary on my part, it’s still stupid. Despite how bad I am, I’ve really been enjoying the Gears 3 beta. I prefer the third-person perspective to first-person, and I love the emphasis on cover and teamwork that the multiplayer demands. I decided that since I recognized my problem, I had everything I needed to overcome it.

As soon as I finished my shower I jumped back online and into team deathmatch. I grit my teeth and refused to let myself be hampered by stupid hangups that should not be bothering me in an anonymous environment.

My game improved. I’d come out from behind cover, brandishing my sawed-off shotgun, getting the jump on my opponents. If I missed, I didn’t panic. I’d roll out of the way to regroup, melee, reload and try again. I was more aggressive, which would sometimes pay off, other times, not so much.

I even got the best kill to death ratio of all players in one match.

I couldn’t believe it. That stupid mental block was really what was holding me back. I’m still by no means awesome, but I’m improving and having much more fun than I was before.

Next step: putting on my headset and talking trash.