Unhappy holidays: Misguided gifts of game systems

EDITOR'S NOTEfrom Brett Bates

No matter what you got for Christmas this year, look on the bright side: At least you didn't receive any of these horribly misguided console gift sets.

What happens when a kid asks for a new video-game console for Christmas, but their cheap and misguided parents decide to shop solely on price or their own sense of what their children should play, rather than looking for the best-rated games to buy their child? Well, they end up with a combination like one of these I encountered as a GameStop employee.

The Xbox 360 gift set

Brizoke. Console: A refurbished Xbox 360 Arcade console from GameStop with a wired GameStop-brand controller -- both destined to break within the next two weeks.

Games included:

Viva Piñata: Party Animals - While both of the main Viva Piñata games are interesting combinations of Pokémon and gardening, this bastard of a minigame collection is the worst type of cash-in. It's less fun to play than Hide and Go Seek with your slow-moving granny.

You're in the Movies - This game looks like it could be released on the Wii...if the Wii was a torture device that swallows crying children whole.

The PS3 gift set

Console: A PS3 with "light wear" bought on eBay. Too bad the seller neglected to mention that this light wear includes a DVD tray that refuses to open. Also, they already opened the system to try and fix it, assuring that the hardware's warranty is null and void.

Games included:

Genji: Days of the Blade - Sure, this game looks like a fun, blade-slicing romp, but it plays like frustrating, hastily thrown-together launch title -- which it is.

Lair - I'm a huge fan of Factor 5's Star Wars flying games, so it's a shame this dragon-flying turd killed the studio. The game is saturated with off-putting browns, and your dragon has only a passing interest in listening to your commands.

The Wii gift set

Console: A used Wii from a pawn shop that's missing the remote sensor attachment, rendering it utterly useless Christmas morning. This may be a godsend, however, because these parents also bought....

Games included:

Anubis 2 - This awful game is published by the aptly named Conspiracy, a company that publishes games so bad, they'll make you actually want to play Farmville.

Billy the Wizard - This title is also published by Conspiracy. Their games are destined to sit near the counter at your local Walmart or Best Buy and lure unsuspecting parents into their merciless traps. Parents, beware: Buying anything from this publisher is like asking an elephant to step on your foot -- it's not a good idea, and you will be sorely injured by the results.

The DS gift set

Console: A scratched-up original DS "Phat" with no stylus and a GameStop sticker on the case to hide all the scratches.

Games included:

Ping Pals - This lame cartridge claims to get you "chatting and getting into the game with friends." Unfortunately, your parents didn't take the time to find out that the DS already has a feature like this built in. Look at the bright side: The game's case makes for an awesome coaster!

Guitar Rock Tour - Let me explain how the purchase of this game went down: "My kid wants that game with the gue-tars." "Here you are, sir." "WHAT?? Guitar Hero is $34.99?? Lemme get that Gue-tar Rock Tour right thar fer ten bucks!"

The PSP gift set

Broken PSP Console: Last, but oh-so-least...a PSP!

Not only is this system about to go away for good, but it also has one of the lamest libraries of any major console ever released. Its games also won't likely be backwards compatible with the rumored PSP2.

Games included:

Mercifully, none.

Sure, there are some winners out there for this rather beefy but easy-to-break handheld system, but more than likely the uneducated parent is going to buy junk like Kingdom of Paradise, Frantix, or The Hustle.

(11)

Chris Hoadley

December 24, 2010

That's why I don't buy things from Ebay.

Frank Anderson

All of these examples actually came from complaints I got from customers as a GameStop employee. The Ebay guy was the worst. He had a bad attitude and was complaining at us that we couldn't help him when he didn't even buy the system from us.

Michael Rougeau

December 25, 2010

Great article, made even better by the fact that these are based in reality. There's no excuse not to do a little research when the internet exists.

EK Thomson

December 27, 2010

Those poor kids. Of course, I bought a used PSP to give to my little brother from gamestop one year, and within a month the UMD drive flaked out. Luckily I gave him an 8 gig card too and a bunch of downloadable games.

I wouldn't count on the PSP being "about to go away for good." I can't recall a Sony game system ever being on the market for less than 10 years. Even if a PSP2 is released, the PSP will likely still be sold for the next 3 years. PSP is still almost always the #1 or #2 system in japan, so it doesn't make sense for them to cancel it until the PSP2 is fully established in the market over there. (Almost always because once in awhile the Wii sneaks in from its #3-#4 slot to beat the PSP for a week or two, just as sometimes the PS3 pushes the DS down to #3.)

Doug Otto

I had Ping Pals once! Oh God here come the repressed memories...

Thanks for the promotion and the great edits! I really should have made some of these myself, but there were others I wouldn't have even thought of. Thanks, Brett!

Bob McMahon

Is Gamestop as sleazy as you make them out to be? I've always been wary about refurbished systems but I didn't think they failed so relibably.

Tabitha Sheehan

@bob when I worked for the GS, I would say 90% of the refurb systems would come back. I would always steer people towards new or used.

The biggest issue you have at the holidays is that there are always a bunch of temporary workers who don't know what they are doing, the regular workers are overworked and under appreciated, and even corporate gets sloppy. I remember one year we got about two or three shipmients of systems that were listed as refurbished, but had not even been checked by corporate, just repackaged in boxes and sent to stores. I think any sleaziness is corporately mandated, because most of the employees I know would never choose to be so rushed that they make mistakes that lead to customer complaints. In any given holiday day a GameStop employee is expected to get 100 or more price changes put onto boxes on the floor, unpack, shelf, and put into the system about 20 or more boxes of shippment with up to 100 items or more per box, fix shelves from customers who put everything in the wrong place, take in trades and put them in shelves and drawers... All of this and more with not enough knowledgeable staff and with little to no ability to schedule their staff in a logical and productive manner.

I am even leaving out key ideas like making these seasonal employees aware of sales and corporately mandated sales of preorders and subscriptions...

Man, this comment is making me even more thankful to have left that crap company!

Jonathan Sutyak

December 28, 2010

Anubis II is published by Conspiracy, not Tommo. Tommo is just a distributor of games. Both Anubis II and Billy the Wizard: Rocket Broomstick Racing are developed by Data Design, a company that churns out crappy Wii games on a regular basis and somehow profits from it. A few of Data Design's other masterpieces include Ninjabread Man, Action Girlz Racing, and Party Pigs: Farmyard Games. Also, you might like to know about Conspiracy's next Wii game coming in 2011: The Ultimate Battle of the Sexes which includes a urinating mini-game. I know it's hard to believe this garbage sells but it must, why else would anyone keep making it?

Ha! Thanks for the clarification, Jonathan. I see now what happened. Amazon only lists their seller for Anumbis II, not the publisher. Since I have been out of retail for a bit I forgot who published it and just put what Amazon listed. I am sure every gamer will be lining up for The Ultimate Battle of the Sexes in 2011!