I loved Call of Duty 4! I t was great! Some in the games media say Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is bad. I agree, because I don't think for myself! Here's a list of five reason why you shouldn't play Modern Warfare 2. Reason #6 can be found if you read the entire post backwards. Also, demons might come out of your computer. Fair warning.
5. PC people say that hell and damnation comes in a box, and that box is called Modern Warfare 2. As a Mac owner and Xbox 360 owner, I can't say much about the arguement or if it makes sense, but the PC gamers are very loud, so I trust them. Dedicated server? What's that? Some kind of iTunes plugin or something? 9x9 max multiplayer games? Don't really know why that's a big deal. I only have 2 friends who game anyway. Oh well! I'll just play Drop7 on my iPhone, lulz.
4. There's this one game called Borderlands. I don't know if you've heard of it. This game is kind of like that one time Jesus and Buhda got together and made you a cake, and that cake gets you drunk without a hangover and is also a very hot member of your opposite sex that really wants to hold your hand. After playing Borderlands for 16 years (in total play time) I picked up Call of Duty 4 again after a few months of not playing. I killed a guy in multiplayer and... well, it was sad. I got 5 XP for killing a guy. 5 XP. Then I popped in Borderlands. I killed a guy, got 420 XP (yeeeeah), a gun that never has to reload or runs out of ammo and $569. So what's better? 5 XP as incentive for killing a guy, or freaking Boomstick and money you can spend on grenades that suck the life out of people and feed it back to you like Edward Cullen (Team Edward, woo!)?
3. Modern Warfare 2 features a brand new feature, powered by the nearly all-powerful Trying Too Hard Engine, which dynamically generates war atrocities for the player to commit. Shoot innocent Americans in the face! ROCK ON! Go back in time and perform an abortion on the mother of the terrorist leader? That's Level 4! And in the special Platinum Edition, only available through Gamestop pre-order, trump the 'bomb dropping' in the previous game by receiving H1N1 from a terrorist and slowly watch your character die in FIRST PERSON GLORY because the country ran out of vaccine. Yes, the only way for a video game to create an emotional reaction in gamers is with violence and horrific imagery, and Modern Warfare 2 will do it better than anyone.
2. I just had a baby, and there just isn't time to play games anymore, what with all the parental responsibilities of taking care of my son. What's that? You sympathize? Aww, that's nice. Well hey, come on over and help out. No, yeah, you. That guy, on the left. Yes, the one with the shirt. I'm sure you'd be a great Temporary Dad Who Takes Over So Real Dad Can Finish Just One More Damn Level. Great! With all these strange (and totally normal) gamers helping me raise my son, I'm sure he'll grow to be a balanced, responsible, happy member of society, and really, that's all we want for me son, right? So thanks, Bitmob.com readers, for watching my kid tonight so I can play games. Oh, and thanks for changing him, by the way. Pretty sure he dropped a wet one in there. Oh, you don't change diapers? Great. Fine. Well if I don't have time to play, none of you can either. That's only fair.
1. Infinity Ward and Modern Warfare 2 kinda said in a fake PSA it was OK to call people "fag" on Xbox live. That isn't funny, actually. Screw you guys.
Andy Phifer is a newspaper designer from Houston, Texas. He tweets an average of 18.6 times a day at Twitter.com/andyphifer. He hasn't played Modern Warfare 2 yet, but he can't wait to pick it up Tuesday along with everyone else so he can get his ass handed to him by people much better than him. In no way does he endorse the opinions he just wrote - except the last one. Seriously, screw you guys.
