Whoa! Could you believe the stuff that’s coming out this Fall? Man, that was something else. That game’s graphics is sick! And did you see the new Modern Warfare 3 trailer? Who knew they could do that with pixels! Can you tell that I’m writing this before E3 even started? You’d have to be brain dead not to. Well, get your head back to the here and now because this week’s releases include the mythical/industry joke that nobody expected to ever come out. Until now. As for other releases, we might bear witness to the reason to own a Kinect aside from Dance Central, and finally, the 3DS justifies its existence. Read on and judge for yourself.

Remember. Release dates are quite literally made at the whims of the publisher.  The following are subject to change without any warning.

Releases To Watch For This Week

Duke Nukem Forever (Xbox 360, PS3)

Tuesday June 14, 2011
Where do I even start with this? What started out as just a mere announcement in 1997 and a promise of a game to follow has become the epitome of the term Vaporware and quite possibly the ultimate industry joke. But let’s not dwell on the past. The Duke has arrived.

This first person shooter looks to stay true to its roots and deliver an extremely non-serious FPS experience not unlike Bulletstorm did a couple of months ago. The main attraction won’t be giant bosses or wacky weapons or lesbian schoolgirls. Duke’s larger than life persona has always set Duke Nukem games apart from everything else. His over the top one-liners and love for women, especially the hot ones, entertained a generation of immature gamers way back yonder.

“But times have changed,” you might be wondering aloud. “Who even gives a damn about a parody of 80’s action heroes anymore?” Maybe nobody does, but how often does a relic of the past show up in the present as an ambassador of a bygone era? Not often enough if you ask me.

No, I don't know what the hell I'm looking at either

Child of Eden (Xbox 360)

Tuesday June 14, 2011
One look at any of Child of Eden’s screenshots, or screenshots for just about any Q? Entertainment games really, evokes one very simple reaction. “Huh?” Retaining all of Tetsuya Mizuguchi’s renowned obsession with the connection between sound and imagery, Child of Eden attempts to put into shape the music that plays throughout the levels. That may sound a little pretentious, but given the fervor behind Mizuguchi’s previous work, Rez, nobody seems to mind.

Child of Eden does have a story though. Humans have archived their memories into Eden, and there they attempt to reproduce a human personality. Unfortunately, a virus invaded Eden. You are tasked with going into Eden and to purify it of this virus.

If you must know about the mechanics, think Panzer Dragoon’s lock-on lasers. In Child of Eden, you purify elements of Eden by locking on to it and shooting lasers at it. You do have an alternate method of shooting called the Tracer. This rapid-fire laser can shoot down enemy projectiles. You also have the Euphoria to help clear the screen when you need it most.

The game can be played by just a regular controller, but Q? Entertainment has also implemented Kinect controls as well. You simply move your hand over the enemies to lock-on and flick to discharge your lasers. If you need to use the Tracer, switch arms. Raise both arms to pull off the Euphoria attack.

The psychedelic nature of Rez probably scared off the general gaming populace back in 2002, but critics loved the hell out of that game. Child of Eden seems to be on the same road to critical darling status that Rez was back in 2002. Let’s hope that those same critics have talked enough people’s ears off about it to give Child of Eden a chance at mainstream success.

Ah, memories

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (3DS)

Sunday June 19, 2011
The game that just about everyone bought a 3DS for has arrived. The original The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time came out well over a decade ago, but its influence can still be felt today. This venerable series successfully transformed itself from a 2D game to a 3D one so well that everyone was basically left in awe, some (read, me) even wishing they could erase all memory of it so that they could re-play it like it was the first time again .

Thankfully, this port comes with some much needed improvements. The original was graphically handicapped by the N64 itself. Now looking at the game won’t induce any kind of vomiting like it did back on the N64 (Oh how naïve we were). Also, the touch screen has made item switching a breeze. It may not sound like much, but the old way made one infamous Water Temple an absolute nightmare to play through. Ocarina 3D also includes the use of motion controls to aim your bow and slingshot. Not that anyone will use it or anything.

In terms of new content, Ocarina doesn’t really come with anything new, but since the Masters Quest only available to those who pre-ordered The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, Masters Quest could be considered new to most players. Also, Ocarina 3D implemented a kind of hint system called “Visions”. These allow players to at least glimpse what they’re supposed to do next. They don’t go into complete walkthrough video territory, but instead give you just enough of an idea as to what to do next. You can’t just turn on Visions at any time though. They can only be activated at these new Sheikah Stone littered throughout the world.

Wait, you’ve never heard of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time AND you call yourself a gamer? ERROR. ERROR. Does not compute. Shutting down... I’m just kidding. Suffice it to say, the original one gave people a reason to buy the N64, which might as well has been named the Mario and Zelda game player. Does it stand the test of time? Will today’s gamers even see what made it so special back then? Probably not, but to hell with them! I just want to play this game without needing to throw up after every minute.

Honorable Mention

Alice: Madness Returns (Xbox 360, PS3)

Tuesday June 14, 2011
We always knew Lewis Carroll had a disturbed mind. It took another disturbed mind, American McGee, to show it. The American McGee version of Alice in Wonderland, or this sequel, may hearken back to what we know of the Wonderland mythology, but McGee twists it into some creepy ass, nightmarish version of it. Even the innocent dreamer, Alice that we know from the stories became just a sick as everything else. Wonderland and all its inhabitants spawned from her madness afterall.

This third person platformer looks to focus on making long impossible jumps given how Alice has the ability to not just double jump but triple jump AND glide for fairly long distances. The jumps look nigh impossible to achieve in most other platformers, but not here.

As for combat, Alice has a couple of weapons at her disposal. She has a knife for quick attacks, some kind of horse head looking, giant hammer, a pepper grinder, which acts like a machine gun, and some kind of teapot grenade launcher that launches globs of... hot tea I guess. Her repertoire of attacks looks to be fairly robust, and her dodging more looks really cool too. Basically, she transforms into a flutter of butterflies and moves out of the way before transforming back.

Alice: Madness Returns looks to be just your standard third person platformer with some combat, but its unique aesthetic, albeit extremely disturbed if the opening cinematic is anything to go by, might give it the slight edge it needs to pique people’s interest.

Coming This Week

Tuesday June 14, 2011

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Xbox 360, PS3), Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Stealth Force Edition (Wii, 3DS)

Is it time for another acid rain of Bayformers again? You’d think the general public has learned their lesson, but we keep coming back for more incomprehensible robot on robot action just for the chance to hear them transform. Not watch, HEAR them transform. Anyways, set before the events of the movie, you play as your favorite Transformer who can instantly transform between robot mode and vehicle mode for added speed. This one introduces a third hybrid mode, which is a little bit of both. Multiplayer makes a return here as well, unless you bought the Wii and 3DS versions. Can’t you just get an MP3 of the transforming sound and just play it over and over again instead of funding Michael Bay’s car insurance or something?

Record of Agarest War Zero (Xbox 360)

Remember the hentai wannabe, Strategy RPG that came out last year? Apparently, you’re looking at its prequel.

Wipeout In The Zone (Xbox 360 Kinect)

How does one bring the Wipeout experience to your living rooms? A Kinect based mini-game collection based off of the obstacles found on the TV show gets half the equation sort of right, but unless you’re planning to build a giant pool of water/mud/foam and have your friend come over and hit you with giant, padded things to push you into the water/mud/foam, it just won’t be the same.

Ferrari: The Race Experience (Wii)

Let me guess. You’ve always wanted a Ferrari but you can’t bus enough tables in your lifetime, or your kid’s lifetime for that matter, to afford one. Fret no more! Ferrari: The Race Experience will save you. Race with Ferrari’s of the past and present in a series of tracks like the Fiorano test track or the Riviera in a variety of mode. You don’t even have to pay the insurance for it!

Balloon Pop 2 (3DS)

Can’t get enough of match 3 puzzle games AND popping balloons? Boy are you going to be in heaven with this game.

Cubic Ninja (3DS)

So far, the 3DS motion controls has been somewhat underutilized, but Cubic Ninja will change that. This 2D platform has you moving the blocky ninja, hence the name, through more than 100 levels filled with obstacles by tilting the 3DS. If you’re not in the mood look stupid in public, you can always just use the Circle Pad. The best part could be the ability to create your own levels and share them with other players via QR Code, those two dimensional blocky barcodes. If the included levels are any good, this could be a nice diversion while you’re waiting for that Zelda game everyone’s all hyped up about for the 3DS.

Deca Sports Extreme (3DS)

In Extreme 3D! With 10 games to choose from like Soccer, Tennis, Bowling, Sumo Wrestling, Trampoline, and... Snowball Fight, Deca Sports continues its futile attempt to dethrone Wii Sports by releasing on other consoles that Wii Sports isn’t even on. Not a bad strategy if you ask me.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Autobots, Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Decepticon (DS)

See above, except with a limited roster to pick from depending which version you chose. Transformer trading to evolve them to the next level feature remains unconfirmed.

Late to the Party

• Brunswick Pro Bowling (3DS) 6/14/2010

Who knew this day would come? I’d never expect Duke Nukem Forever to come out within my lifetime. I should commemorate this confounding occasion with something. Maybe I’ll go to a strip club. It just sounds appropriate. Anyone want to join me?

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