Once again, it's time to pierce the veil of uncertainty with our mighty truth spear!

As the lone gaijin in the console crowd, Xbox always struggled for a toehold in Japan, the motherland of awesomeness. This past June, the 360's sell-through crossed the 1.5 million mark, which only sounds impressive until someone mentions that's less than 3 percent of its total sales. Now word's breaking that Japanese retailers plan to phase out the machine entirely, dumping leftover stock at fire-sale prices.

So while hometown boys Nintendo and Sony enjoy a bout of cruel laughter, how about a nice eulogy for Microsoft's monster as we hammer the last nails in its Japanese coffin?

“Control! New plan! We’re sinking Japan...WITH A GIANT WORM! Delta out.”

- Marcus Fenix, Gears of War 3

“Well, those fine people had their reasons, I suppose. Thing is, when something goes missing, people always tend to miss it...even if they never expected to. Trust me on that. Still and all, f*** 'em."

- Rucks, Bastion

"Hey, who doesn't want to deport all those idiots on Xbox Live?"

- Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception

“I want to think something good. But I can’t. PCs are better, anyway. And the PlayStation 3 is easier to hack."

- Adam Jensen, Deus Ex: Human Revolution

"A 1000-year-old culture built on refinement, manners, and honor versus a lump of crap that self-destructs every 12 months. No contest."

- Samus Aran, Metroid: Other M

"Pretty brave for a country without a standing army. I hear Microsoft's going to send me over to conquer them. Just me."

- Master Chief, Halo 4

"Bill Gates has a sad. Lulz. I AM KARATE!"

- Kirby, Kirby's Return to Dream Land

"We shall sacrifice the remaining ex-boxes on an altar made from fanboy tears."

- Kratos, God of War 3

"Oh, Japan. You are so funny with your uncooked food and giant robots. You know, I think if we weld a few of those Xboxes together and paint hearts on them, they might still be useful."

- GLaDOS, Portal 2

"Can't make people want what they don't want. Pretty easy to make 'em want what they don't have, though. I bet you can do the math from there."

- John Marston, Red Dead Redemption