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This week on Hit or Miss: The Writers Guild of America must hate America, because they do everything they can to discredit good writing; I give Capcom free tips for their next wave of Mega Man robot masters; Square Enix insists on promoting Final Fantasy 13 as though they don't want anyone to buy it (maybe they're readers of Hong Kong game critics?); and Sega finally, finally, finally gets that we want a Sonic game starring only Sonic.
No offense, Tails. But we hate you.
WGA's Video Game Nominees Just as Perplexing as Movies
Recently, the Writers Guild of America released their nominees for best original screenplay for a motion picture. And even with the excuse of a number of films being ineligible for one stupid reason or another, the presence of Avatar was still inexplicable. Seriously, I'm not sure they even spoke words during those three God-forsaken hours of pastel colors.
And here we have the WGA's nominees for video games, where among them is Wet. Yes, Wet.
Obviously I want to express smug indignation here. This is a game about a female assassin voiced by Eliza Dushku called Wet, so how could I not? The problem: I haven't played it, so for all I know this really is a wonderfully written game! But problems like this are what YouTube was invented for, and this video solved it. Warning: It contains graphic language.
Finished? Good.
What the fuck are you thinking, WGA? "You should have stopped at I can't feel my legs"? Really? Really? If you think this is quality writing, I've got about 15 Steven Seagal movies for you. Lord knows he's blown up a lot of people's legs, so he's probably already used that exact line.
Dudes, Gears of War 2's infamous "More like...10 shitloads" rejoinder was better than that. God.
Capcom Reveals Mega Man 10's Robot Master Roster
While I do believe "Chill Man" is one of the best doses of obviously desperate insanity the Mega Man series has yet sunk to, I admit this isn't so much a Hit as a self-serving inquiry: Capcom, how does one go about getting a job to design these things?
You must be looking for all the help you can get at this point. For cripes sake, you've already had a Blizzard Man and an Ice Man, so you're clearly running out of synonyms. That's why you should totally hire me! Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's thinking of random nouns to stick in front of the word "Man" and make asinine boss characters out of them. For example:
Taco Man
Weapons: Mega Hot Sauce Blast; Distraction caused by his deliciousness.
Asterisk Man
Weapons: Spinning Buzz Saw Strike; Ability to technically negate all your accomplishments.
And most terrifying of all: Leno Man
Weapons: Mega Chin Strike; Indefensible dreariness caused by "Headlines" and "Jaywalking" bits.
Final Fantasy 13 Bus Tour? Are You Kidding Me?
What, Square Enix, was your release date infomercial not cheesy and brand-damaging enough? You had to add a promotional method better served for a Xuxa comeback tour just to make that much more certain people can't take Final Fantasy 13 seriously?
(Full disclosure: That joke was really an experiment to see how many people still remember Xuxa.)
But screw it, Square Enix. By now you might as well go all out with your destructive FF13 marketing campaign, so here are a few suggestions:
1) Product placement in an episode of "The Biggest Loser" (example: "This week, you lost 7 pounds or a weight equivalent of 34 copies of smash RPG sensation Final Fantasy 13!")
2) A Final Fantasy 13 book tour, despite the fact it's not a book.
3) A McDonalds Happy Meal tie-in with Chinese-manufactured lead-lined figurines of main characters you have to recall three weeks and 27 deaths later.
4) A D-list celebrity endorsement deal with someone who has no business endorsing Final Fantasy 13. Like, oh, David Caruso.*
5) And finally, a series of crappy low-budget local TV commercials hosted by Orlando, Florida's Appliance Direct guy.
I share this man with you, world. You're welcome.
Sega Confirms "Project Needlemouse" will Only Star Sonic
A lot of people incorrectly believe this sidekick bullshit started with Sonic Adventure, but they're wrong. The dark, depressing truth of Sega's decades-long Sonic debacle -- probably the most flagrant mismanagement of a brand this side of The Tonight Show -- is this:There has only ever been one official, real, sequential, "main series" Sonic game that only starred Sonic. The first game. In 1991.
Sonic 2? Tails. Sonic 3? Tails and Knuckles. Sonic & Knuckles? Yeah. 19 damn years, people. 19 damn years since Sonic stood alone, and although technically Sonic was the only playable character in Sonic Unleashed, that one doesn't count because he turned into a frickin' werewolf.
Someone at Sega seriously must have been having
a brain aneurism when they came up with this.
So thank you, Sega, for acknowledging what your fans have been demanding for 19 damn years. But before you pat yourself on the back too much, understand this is a little like selling shit pizza for 40 years, finally changing the recipe to make it bearable, and saying, "Hey, we're pretty awesome, right?!" while raising your hand in anticipation for a high-five.
That's right, everyone: Sonic the Hedgehog is the Domino's Pizza of video game franchises. And I hope that's the most depressing sentence I ever have to write.
*Asterisk Man says: Original David Caruso comic by Bigger Than Cheese.
