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It's the first official day of E3 and this is our first of three E3 special episodes, but the real announcements started yesterday. Driving the sexiest purple Chevy minivan you ever did see (it's so hot there are boob-prints on the passenger and driver-side windows both), we braved the wilds of central California to arrive at the Los Angeles Convention Center in plenty of time to catch the Microsoft event yesterday. Since then we've seen both Sony and Nintendo press conferences, but this show just captures our immediate impressions right after the Microsoft blowout and documents, briefly, our trip south. Note to concerned parents: yes, you CAN draw penises vehicle-to-vehicle through PictoChat. (Hit the jump to see the show.)

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Editor's note: If you only read one E3 press conference recap in limerick form this year...etc. (Hit 'read more' for the full effect.) -Demian

Editor's note 2: Don't miss out on Andrew's brilliant Nintendo and Sony follow-ups! -Shoe

There once was a company from Seattle
Whose console was in quite a battle
They introduced some games
With very big names
In hopes of some cages they'd rattle

Kojima once had a mysterious website
With only a countdown and no insight
It's a Metal Gear game
but Raiden is lame
Monkeys with diapers? Just might.

A new Halo made smiles out of frowns
The franchise reclaims its crown
With Master Chief?
A fan boy's relief
Bungie presents Halo: Reach Around

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It's day one of E3 2009, and we're already exhausted, delirious, and ready for some serious therapy. But we're pretty gung-ho, too, because most of the glitz and glamor of old E3 is back and kicking our asses (in a good way).

We'll be continually updating this post with our quick-hit thoughts on what we've seen, heard, and played on day one. Lots of stuff to discuss, so keep on coming back to this page to get the latest (and if you have a specific question or request, don't forget to ask our moderator, Paul Gale, who's your on-demand live reporter from E3).

Now...read on for BioShock 2, Square-Enix, Brütal Legend, Ghostbusters, The King of Kong, and more.

This post was last updated at 11:52 pm, PST.

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The first official day of E3 proper kicked off with the Nintendo Press Conference, which had a few surprises...and plenty of horn tooting. Our thoughts, and random awards, below:

Shoe:

Best Bit: A 2D and a 3D Mario? Someone pinch me. I might've slightly preferred a full-on, single-player side-scroller, but a Zelda: Four Swords take on Mario for New Super Mario Bros. Wii? Plus a sequel to one of the greatest, most innovative 3D adventures of all time in Super Mario Galaxy 2? Someone pinch the other cheek, please.

Worst Bit: Feeling slightly castrated when Nintendo was showing off Women's Murder Club: Games of Passion and Style Savvy. Also, the video montage of "man on the street" DSi testimonials was more "girl on the street." Thank god Samus Aran made me feel like a man again.

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We live streamed Sony's E3 2009 press conference today, courtesy of G4TV and Justin.tv. But since it's over, you're out of luck. Or rather, you are until we embed an archived version of the presentation, which is coming soon.

UPDATE: Here it is.

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We live streamed the hell out of Nintendo's E3 2009 press conference from 9:00 AM to 10:30 AM PST. Or rather G4TV and Justin.tv did, and we embedded the hell out of it. Here's the archived version for posterity.

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Editor's note: I had to laugh at this. I can just picture all these keyboard-samurai, white-knuckled with outrage. Must be tough to live your life according to some arbitrary man-boy Bushido. -Demian

Who needs to write a real post about Metal Gear when you can just highlight comments from around the globe?

I think a multi-platform Metal Gear is an excellent idea [Demian: I think Metal Gear Solid: Rising may actually be a 360 exclusive, or perhaps timed exclusive]. But apparently some people disagree. Here's what they think in response to the latest episode of the Kojima Productions Report podcast.

I particularly like the "XBOX360 is a dead console!!!". Oh, and the guy that wrote a poem. Word.

UPDATE: See below.

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The E3 madness has begun. If you're having a hard time keeping track of everything, don't worry -- we are, too! So we're compiling the best demos/trailers released today. Hit the jump to see 'em all.

• Microsoft's Project Natal makes you look like a joystick. Nintendo feels flattered.

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The Soup host Joel McHale livened up an otherwise low-key Ubisoft press conference that had a bit too much casual (OK, we get it...Imagine and Petz rule the world!) and not enough hardcore (mainly because we already saw the awesome Splinter Cell: Conviction demo earlier in the day at Microsoft's presser, and Ubisoft didn't show any Assassin's Creed 2 gameplay).

He's the latest in the line of comedians that game publishers bring in to entertain the nerd press, from (good) Kevin Nealon doing an SNL Weekend Update-style news segment for Sega and the Dreamcast to (bad) Jamie Kennedy interviewing developers for Activision.

McHale, as expected, got the crowd laughing. Some of highlights:

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Editor's Note: Hearing the news about Metal Gear Solid: Rising reminded me of a cool story from a couple weeks ago that got buried far too quickly. What do you guys think about Matthew's ideas for the next Metal Gear? Where's Raiden!? -Greg

The biggest fear we all harbor about the Metal Gear series is that it won't be allowed to die gracefully, that it will be drawn out and milked for all its worth. Perhaps we should have more faith in the ability of Konami and Kojima Productions to remain faithful to the series. Or, perhaps, after some less than glorious outings on portable platforms, we should not. But there are some very strong points that anyone who is developing the scenario and game design for Metal Gear Solid 5 (or whatever the next main-series Metal Gear game will be called) should consider. Following are 20 mostly detailed points. Some are things Kojima Productions should do with the next Metal Gear; some are things Kojima Productions should not do. Some are things they would never even consider doing, some are things that would never happen in a million years, but have been included just to make sure. You can’t beat 100 percent. [This story originally posted on my Metal Gear/Kojima Productions blog, Metal Gear Scholar]

How to make the next Metal Gear awesome:

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Editor's note: Poor Brett Bates. We gave him a copy of Rhythm Heaven and it ruined his life. Now he'd like to give you the game, so it can ruin yours. It's like the monkey's paw of Bitmob! -Demian

[Update: Sorry, folks, the contest is over. Congrats to Toby Davis!]

As some of you may recall, I won Rhythm Heaven in a contest last week. At the time, I thought that my winning was a wonderful thing. I mean, a free game! Who wouldn't be excited about that? But what I didn't realize was that Rhythm Heaven sprang forth from a circle of hell so heinous that not even Dante himself would venture into it. It's bar none the toughest game I've ever played. Worse, it kicks your ass and then lets you know how much you suck.

Rhythm Heaven starts out innocently. The first level simply makes you flick bolts in a factory to create some sort of widget -- in retrospect, I'm thinking maybe an iron maiden? -- in time to the beat. On my initial try, I struggled to perform the proper flicking action and failed. Fair enough: it often takes time to acclimate to the controls of a new game, especially when the game is stylus-based. So I gave it another shot. This time I felt more in step with the beat, but I still messed up a few times. Failure. I tried again. Epic fail. Tried again. Fail again! Finally, on my fifth attempt, the game grudgingly informed me that I was "just OK" and could go to the next level. In response I leapt off the couch and pumped the air with my fist. "Hell yes!" I shouted. "I'm 'OK'!" I don't think I've ever been so excited for someone to tell me I'm merely average.

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Hello Bitmob readers. My name is Paul Gale, and I'm one of Bitmob's official moderators. As you all know, E3 is around the corner, and with that I would like to offer you my services. During the three days of E3, if you come back to this article, you can ask me any question you can think of about anything going on at the show, and I will personally do my best to answer it.

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