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New parents: Heed Ben's advice! Everyone else: Laugh at his hilarious list of good and bad games for infants -- and be glad you don't have a little one yourself.
As reported in my love letter to BioShock 2, my family recently needed to make room for a third player on our gaming couch. Our new baby girl is awe-inspiring, amazing, and beautiful, but she has also drastically changed how we play games. I've quickly learned that some games are perfectly suited for this new life of mine, but many others are diametrically opposed. It takes a special kind of game to either fit into our new hectic schedule, teach us a valuable life lesson, or help prepare our child for the road ahead.
Here are the best and worst of them.
5 Best Games for New Parents
Dead Rising 2 is perfect instruction manual for new parents, yet somehow Capcom has forgotten to advertise it as such. It teaches you that you must put your children first, no matter the personal sacrifice involved. You are all that stands between them and the cold, harsh world. Only you can protect them. Only you can stand up for them. Only you can save them.
I'm not talking about Katie and her Zombrex medication, of course, but the tender fatherly role protagonist Chuck has to fill each time he tries to lead a survivor back to the safe room:
"Okay, does everyone have their bat? Billy, get your bat. Pick it up. We won't leave until you have your bat. There, good boy. OK, now, everyone stay with me, and do not stop and talk to strangers. Alright, here we go, and...what? You have to stop by the bathroom already? I told you to save before we left!"
4. God of War 3/Dante's Inferno (tie)
Infants have no wants, only needs. They need to sleep, they need to be comforted, and above all else, they need to be fed. It is because of this latter need that we are left with one solid truth: Babies. Love. Topless women.
God of War 3 and Dante's Inferno are happy to provide. Who can blame them? After all, what better represents humanity's ability to provide for their children than feeding and giving sustenance? These special women embody that strong bond between a mother and her child. It is a thing of beauty.
Wait, why do you like them so much? Perv.
Brütal Legend carries with it an important lesson for all parents: Children are a work in progress. You may have certain expectations for them, but you must always remember that they are learning about themselves just as much as you are learning about them.
To wit:
Brütal Legend: "Dad... I have something to tell you. I've felt this way for some time, but I finally feel like it's time I told someone. I don't think I'm an action platformer. I think I am...well, I'm an RTS."
Dad: "GASP! Does your mother know?!"
Mom: "Yeah, I read previews. Pay attention."
Dad: "This is such a surprise. But I still love you, son."
Brütal Legend: "...Also, all my side-quests are repetitive."
Dad: "DAMMIT."
Red Dead Redemption tells a brutal story of the Old West. It shows humanity at its worst, in all of its backstabbing glory. People are subjugated. Souls are trampled under the boot of progress. At the end of the day, money is the only authority.
In the midst of all of this brutality, however, there is one shining lesson to be learned from this game -- a lesson that all parents should, nay, must impart on their children: "If someone kills daddy, YOU HUNT THEM DOWN, AND YOU SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE UNTIL THEY STOP MOVING."
Super Meat Boy is the perfect game for new parents. Between changing diapers, feeding, rocking, swaying, and swaddling, you are going to find yourself thankful for any extra five seconds you find in the day.
This amount of time just happens to be the length of a Super Meat Boy level. On top of this, one of Super Meat Boy's greatest achievements is its ability to quickly load a level after a death. Who knows, maybe you'll be able to try the level twice before you have to go figure out why the baby just started screaming like a maniac!
Check out Ben's surprising list of the five worst games for new parents on page 2.
