Editor's Note: Here's another in Andrew Hiscock's fictional (we think it's fictional, anyways) series where game characters come to life for behind-the-scenes interviews. In this episode, the men under the Spartan armor talk about life in multiplayer Halo. Hit the "read more" for the full funny. -Shoe
I am standing in a large empty white space. The only suggestion that the ether is contained is that my feet rest on solid ground, and a gigantic billboard filled with text hangs on what is presumably a wall.
Surrounding me are featureless masses of polygons, all in humanoid shape -- or at least what passes as humanoid in the Halo franchise. My dumpy physique is emphasized next to their Spartan shapes. And as they are little more than shape, I am even more aware of my physical shortcomings.
This is the Halo multiplayer lobby. No, not the user interface that every 14- to 28-year-old male can navigate with an analog stick with remarkable speed but the actual lobby where character models wait to attire in a player's chosen armor and head out for a fight in videogames' most popular multiplayer game, Halo 3.
It's hard to actually identify these golems. They are all nearly identical, and until I am able to develop a sense of personality of any particular one, I am constantly confusing them, should my attention be distracted for a second. As for names, they are all identified by a seemingly random series of zeroes and ones...because when you get as little respect as these guys do, it's hard to come up with names more complicated than binary.
"Eddie," as I've come to know him, is one of the faceless multitude.
"It's like any job," he states. "You come in punch your time; you go home. Sometimes we have good days, like getting paired up on a really good Oddball team. Other days, you're teabagging everyone and calling them 'fag.'"
If he had eyes, he would have rolled them. "I mean, seriously, it takes a serious lack of irony to get away with that."
***
You can be forgiven if you didn't realize that these characters existed. By definition, they kind of don't. Every time a player turns on Halo 3 multiplayer, he encounters a character model of his own choosing.
However, underneath that armor is one of the millions of faceless, almost nameless, polygon golems.
Eddie clarifies: "You see, where it is a first-person game, you are actually not subject to direct agency by the player -- they kind of just move a camera. But in multiplayer, the others players have to see something, and that's where we step in. We take the input from the players control and use it as kind of a script. We then act out his activities for the benefit of his opponents and teammates. Dumbed down a little for bandwidth, but pretty much word for word."
And while you may never see them in their true forms, these unknown videogame characters may be the most important in the industry.
***
"It was great in the beginning. You had a lot more leeway," says Eddie as he stares at the huge billboard, waiting for his next assignment. "The technology wasn't nearly as nice, but back with the first Halo, we were restricted to LANs. That was the golden age."
While Halo 2 gets credit as one of the first major online multiplayer games on console, Halo: Combat Evolved made its mark with LAN-based multiplayer.
"No pings, no performance lag...a guy like me could really get out there and master the craft," says Eddie. "But when Halo 2 came, it was nothing but bandwidth this and modem speed that. Our art was compromised."
Before I can even ask the question, Eddie turns to me, his eyeless gaze penetrating. "And the kids?!?!? Oh god, if I had a nickel for every nerd I've called 'fag,' I'd buy Bungie and make Luke Smith my bitch." This comment gets a few chuckles from the surrounding crowd. "Inside joke," he says simply.
My interview with Eddie is cut short as he curses, his eyes on the board. I recognize his binary code, and he's been paired up with a 16-year-old from Nebraska, da5m0k3m0n5ta.
"This guy, I've had him before.... If I had balls, I would certainly have to wash them when I get back."
Eddie walks away dejectedly. In a few seconds, he will be in full armor and, presumably, dunking his lack of testicles into the mouths of the fallen.
***
The assignment board is almost indecipherable to the casual observer. It simply lists a golem's code, a gamertag to which the golem is paired for the next little while, the multiplayer mode, and a line of code representing the necessary gear. Once called, a character will head to the dressing room, suit up, and be subjected to the player's bidding.
Which isn't always a bad thing. I catch one character just coming off a play session, and his enthusiasm is palpable.
"Unbelievable. I just came off the best game of my life. The team work was sublime, communication was tight, and we smoked all comers. Just fantastic," says Sarah McLachlan (as he asked to be called in my article -- he's a big fan, apparently).
"I didn't call anyone a bad name...I was dressed in full Hayabusa gear."
I ask Sarah McLachlan if he has seen Eddie. Once I explain who he got paired with, he shakes his head. "He'll be gone all night. Here, let me introduce you to someone."
I am led through the crowd while Sarah McLachlan is whistling "Building a Mystery." Before he can make it to the third chorus, we've made it to the closest thing to a dark corner in this white infinite space. A lone character sits on the ground, oblivious to all that surrounds him.
We're introduced, and I can tell that this particular character has been through hell and back. If he had eyes, he would be staring through the back of my head into the middle distance.
I've just met the most famous of the Halo 3 multiplayer characters, a label he is not thankful for.
He asks to be called Adrian, but you may know him better as xxxGayBoyxxx.
***
Adrian's character popped into existence during Halo 2's heyday. While not a grizzled ancient like Eddie, he has paid his dues and stuck with the franchise through hundreds of hours of online gameplay. He used to love his job, but now....
"You don't think about the insults or any of that. It's all pretty meaningless: just empty taunts to get inside the other player's head or to blow off some steam. But when I was assigned to xxxGayBoyxxx...I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming."
While not the only character to be paired with the openly homosexual Halo 3 player, he was the one present during the infamous Internet video featuring a ridiculous series of homophobic slurs, taunts, and insults.
"xxxGayBoyxxx is actually a great guy, but having to listen to what he had to go through...all of us who had to do it were shell-shocked. It kills your faith in humanity. I haven't been the same since. I go through the motions, but every insult hurts. Every negative comment eats at my soul."
The jovial Sarah McLachlan interjects at this point. "If you were looking to the Halo 3 community for faith in the human species, you got a lot more problems than a few gay jokes," he says before he disappears into the crowd.
"You know what," says Adrian as he watches his coworker leave, "fuck Sarah McLachlan."
***
While you'll find any number of opinions in the faceless crowd, one thing is certain: The Halo multiplayer characters are worried about the future.
Once touted as THE multiplayer game, the Halo franchise has been supplanted by Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare in the online realm. With RPG-like elements and a modern and relevant aesthetic, COD4 is seeing hundreds of thousands of people putting more time into its gritty Middle East urban environments than the futuristic landscapes of Halo.
"It's a sign of the times. Videogames aren't recession-proof, especially the multiplayer modes," says Dorkus Monk, a new member to the ranks created for Halo 3. "We all have to accept there are fewer Team Slayer matches to go around."
That said, there is optimism among the ranks. With the imminent release of Halo 3: ODST and, further down the road, Halo: Reach, some are confident that they'll be back on top before long.
"Halo 3: ODST with Halo: Reach Beta? Who's not going to jump in?" says Dorkus Monk.
However, some are not happy with the two new games. Adrian, the hopeless nihilist, points to the recent split of Bungie and Microsoft. "We all thought we'd be out of here. I was hoping to move on to a Myth game. But Bungie splits off to pursue its own interests only to make two new Halo games? Talk about a PR move."
Regardless of how it shakes out, plenty of work remains for these golems. Halo 3 is still popular, and all signs point to the franchise remaining relevant and a top seller.
Before I close my notebook, I catch Eddie coming out of his game after da5m0k3m0n5ta quit the game enraged...apparently, it's a normal occurrence.
"I don't know what the future holds," says Eddie, "but I can guarantee one thing: No matter what happens, we Halo guys are going to have the shiniest balls around."
***
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