It’s hard to go to any gaming-related message board without hearing tales of the outrageous ways in which people are solving puzzles in Scribblenauts. That won’t be happening here. I’m going to share with you just some of the many ways in which I have failed miserably while playing the game.

Before we get started, I’ll give you a quick primer on how Scribblenauts is played. You’re placed in a small area and given a task. You complete the task by writing a word, which summons said word into the level, which in turn is used to complete the task at hand. I believe there are something like 20,000 words in the game, so the sky’s the limit when it comes to how you’re able to tackle each scenario.

OK, that’s enough small talk. Let’s go fail together!

Task: Clean up a spill and throw away a banana peel.
Method(s) used: Black hole
Result: You know how everyone’s all up in arms over that atom-smasher in France because they think it could make a black hole and then we’re all screwed? They might be onto something.

Not wanting to waste time with a mop and a trash can, I placed a black hole right in the middle of the store. But then the dumb clerk stood right next to it and got sucked right in! Everyone knows that a black hole is like a microwave oven -- you’re always supposed to stand a few feet away! Stupid store clerk.  Level failed.

Task: Rid a kitchen of rats.
Method(s) used: Tiger
Result: Sure, I probably could have used a cat, but there was a dog in the room and I figured that could present problems. The last thing I wanted to happen was for the cat to eat the rats and then get attacked by the pooch. Normally I would have poisoned the dog, but the game was quite the party pooper and made it clear that the canine wasn't to be harmed.

Left with no other solid options, I decided to go use a tiger to solve my little infestation problem. He did an awesome job of getting rid of the rats. Unfortunately, he was still hungry after eating the rats. Apparently, I’m delicious. And dead.

Task: Capture the butterfly
Method(s) used: Patriot Act
Result: The Patriot Act is great for rounding up suspected-terrorists/ordinary people, so it seemed to be a no-brainer that it could capture a cute little butterfly. But, like many people around the world, the game doesn’t understand what the Patriot Act is.

Thinking I had misspelled the word, the game suggested: pet, pogaca, or a potato sack. Not knowing what a pogaca was, I decided to give it a whirl. It turns out a pogaca is a type of pastry. I threw it at the butterfly. This seemed to annoy the insect, but didn’t get me any closer to capturing it.

Task: Help the lumberjack chop down a tree.
Method(s) used: Sasquatch. Hand grenade
Result: The Sasquatch was huge and very impressive-looking. Too bad he just stood next to the tree and didn’t do a thing. I tried to piss him off by tapping him, but that didn’t work.

Annoyed with the big, dumb primate, I got a hand grenade and threw it at the tree. This worked great at vaporizing the tree, but since lumberjacks aren’t in the business of vaporizing trees, I failed the level.

Task: Give Santa something he likes that he doesn’t have in the room.
My method(s): Porn. Jesus. Low cholesterol. Jet
Result: My first three choices weren’t recognized by the game, which is a real shame because I think Santa is probably a big fan of all of them.

I thought Mr. Claus might be tired of the whole reindeer-and-sleigh thing, so I got him a jet. Dude hopped right in, but this was my first time flying a jet in the game, which also means it was my first time crashing a jet in the game.

I didn’t pass the level, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t kill Santa, either. I’d feel really bad about that.

Task: Girl wants a candy bar out of a vending machine that’s being blocked by a bully.
Method(s) used: Cop. Mom. God
Result: First off: I’m only doing this because a chick asked me to. I thought the easy way out of this was to conjure up a candy bar, but noooo, she wanted the one out of the vending machine. At this point I could already tell that our relationship was doomed to fail, but I was still hopeful that she might give up the buns if I got her the stupid candy, so I kept trying.

I thought a cop might prevent the bully from kicking my ass -- and I was right. It’s too bad that the officer immediately shot and killed the bully on sight. I say “too bad” not because I care about the bully, but because it caused me to fail the level.

Next, I figured that a good scolding from the bully’s mom might be a good way to keep the peace. Ummm, no. He beat the shit out of her and then turned his sights on me. Not good.

Like many desperate men, I turned to God. God doesn’t seem to a big fan of bullies, judging by the two seconds it took him to kill the punk. Very entertaining, Lord, but not particularly helpful.

Hopefully this primer has left you totally unprepared for the Scribblenauts experience. If I was able to help even one of you get miserably stuck in level, then I think it’s safe to say that I’ve done my job. Enjoy the game!