On Saturday, December the 12th I watched C-Span 3 (yes, 3) for over fifteen minutes. It was, perhaps, the least amount of entertainment my television has ever output. I’ve accidentally left it on the blue “no video input” screen overnight and that would have been a more enjoyable viewing experience. The program showing was Barry Goldwater’s Arizona Roots, a special retrospective about ‘ol BeeGee’s continued influence at his 100th birthday. Not some snazzy, well-produced and narrated documentary, this was rather a group of academics standing in front of a podium reading essays about Goldwater in turn. People with no public speaking experience, staring face down and reading about a dead conservative on a Saturday afternoon; I can not conceive of a reality in which I wasn’t the only viewer.
Did I mention the program was two hours long? There are no commercials on C-Span 1-3, so that’s 120 minutes of pure content. I won’t mind if you need a moment to set your DVR.
What does this have to do with making gamers laugh? Think about it: I’ve sunk thousands of hours into video games in my lifetime. I could have used this time to better myself as opposed to furthering the agenda of Master Chief, but what would I have accomplished? Maybe a better educated Travis might have cured cancer, but odds are that I’d be giving boring speeches about the political figures of yester-year to an empty auditorium. Next time someone tells you gaming is a waste of time, feel free to have a chuckle. It’s better than the alternative.
Thomas Kinkade has made an empire ripping off Final Fantasy VII
Let me begin under the assumption you have no idea who Thomas Kinkade is. He’s the “Painter of Light”, commonly showcased at your local Cracker Barrel. Take a look, but make sure your Grandparents aren’t around-- this shit will drive them nuts:
Seriously, it’s like porn for old people.
Kinkade began his rise to fame and fortune in 1997, according to the omniscience of Wikipedia. Final Fantasy VII, universally recognized as the best game ever, ever, forever (at least, in the McReynolds household) came out in 1997. This is no coincidence.
See any similarities?
Back in the PS1 days, many games forwent 3D backgrounds in order to cope with system limitations (Resident Evil is another example). Instead, you’d get a stagnant piece of art that your character would walk around on top of. Though several games used this method, the art style in Final Fantasy VII included soft, visibly sourced light and scenic vistas. Meanwhile, a homeless guy in California comes up with a great idea to get rich decorating the walls of retirement homes…
This is Icicle Inn.
And this is a paycheck.
You can throw out Kinkade and his obvious plagiarism next time a nerd rips off one of your ideas. Did someone copy/paste your latest blog post to take credit for all of your hilarious fanboy humor? Drop them a tweet letting them know they’re such an asshole they should consider taking up vaguely religious themed painting. If they don’t get it, sign them up for a bunch of spam. Either way, you’ve made your point.
I don’t have a joke for this but, in my defense, I don’t think I need one.
Dance Dance Revolution will be the gateway to robots learning how to love
If James Cameron is to be believed, and I’ve yet to see any evidence to say he shouldn’t be, robots are biding their time until they can conquer our planet. Every generation of robots mankind creates is smarter and more powerful than the last. Though they may be helpful, Will Smith and I just can’t come to trust them.
All robots are evil. Except for that one that it turns out isn’t evil at the end of the movie. That guy is alright.
When I was in Japan, I punched every single robot I came across. My hope was that maybe, just maybe, I could preemptively teach them fear before their attempt at global domination. Time will tell if I was successful.
Luckily, even if a well placed, ham-fisted punch didn’t do the trick, we still have Dance Dance Revolution. Have you ever really sat and watched someone “dance” on one of these machines? It’s kinda hypnotic. Like MC Hammer’s mating dance translated into binary then performed by a fat kid in a Katamari t-shirt. If I ever had to proposition a droid, this is how I’d do it.
Everybody get ready: I feel a screenplay pitch coming on.
In the not-too-distant future…
Robots have taken over. What’s left of humanity has been reduced to hiding in the rubble of our destroyed civilization. One band of ragtag survivors has set up camp in an abandoned Dave and Busters. The good one down by the interstate, not the shitty one in the suburbs that always has kids running around and the bar IDs you like three times for every drink you order even though you’ve got an open tab. It’s like, seriously, do you not want me to tip? I’m already wading around a bunch of parentless five year-olds in an effort to get drunk and play the crane game simultaneously.
I digress. These survivors have stumbled upon the key to stopping the emotionless robot overlords. Dance Dance Revolution: the gift of robot dance. The gift of robot… love. From director Michael Bay-- Boogie Bots.
Bring this up any time you run into a DDR nerd. Ask them if they’re practicing their robot dance moves so that, if they were to ever meet the real C3P0, they’d be able to seduce him properly. If they answer yes, at least they’re honest.
Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII isn’t available on PSN
I don’t have a “how to” tie in for this, but now that more than a few confused auto-racing enthusiasts searching for Larry McReynolds (no relation… that I know of) are reading these things, I’m going to give something a try.
I’ve asked both Santa Claus and my wife Stacey (in an effort to cover my bases) for a PSP Go this Christmas. In anticipation, I’ve been looking at the PSP offerings on the Playstation Store and I’ve noticed one glaring exception: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII. A game that is among the reasons I wanted the system in the first place.
Now I’m not a regular with Oprah’s Book Club, but I’ve come across a pretty interesting entry that might just help me get a downloadable edition of Crisis Core. It’s called The Secret and it’s a self help book that says if you think positively about something, believe it will happen, and “put it out into the universe”-- it will totally come true. Oprah is like crazy fucking rich, so I’m counting her as scientific proof this is for real.
Author Rhonda Byrne became crazy fucking rich immediately after her book was featured on Oprah; so there’s even more proof.
All I’m asking of you, kind reader, is to put this same idea out into the universe. Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII is now available on PSN. Tweet it, put it up on Facebook, say it nonchalantly on your next podcast, shout it at pedestrians, whatever; just make sure it’s somewhere in the universe. If all goes to plan I’ll be fanboying it up come Christmas, and even if it doesn’t work we can still chalk this up as a reason to celebrate when Oprah goes off the air in 2011. Shit, it can’t possibly be less effective than an internet petition.
Follow me on Twitter @Cojirro. I’ve been hovering at 46 followers for like two weeks-- you could be the lucky 47th!
